Imperfect Love (Heart of Hope 4)

When they reached the right level, the gates opened the boats sailed out.

“Want to go see if there are any fish?” I asked.

“’kay.”

We walked down to the viewing area showing what went on under the water. Noah pressed his nose up to the glass as a large fish swam by. I watched him as he took in the fish.

“Want a fish in your room?” I asking.

He turned to me. “Like a pet? Mommy says we’re not old enough.”

“A fish isn’t like a dog. You do need to feed it, but I’ll teach you.”

He nodded, and I saw a hint of a smile. We watched the fish for a while and then took a walk through the gardens before going to lunch.

“You having fun, buddy?” I asked as I squirted ketchup on his plate for his fries.

“Yep.”

“What did you like best?” I put ketchup on my plate as well.

“The fish. Can I really get a fish?”

“Absolutely. How about we get one today?” I wondered if this was one of those things that I was supposed to consult Terra on first? Probably, but fuck it. My boy wanted a fish, I was going to get him one.

His smile was a little larger this time. Points for dad.

We ate for a bit when out of the blue, Noah asked, “How come you’re not home very much?”

My heart about stopped in my chest. I worked so hard to be a good provider, but all signs pointed to my being a shitty husband and father.

“I have to work to make money so we can live.”

“That’s what mommy says.” Noah picked up a chicken tender and ran it through the ketchup.

“What else does mommy say?” Inwardly I chastised myself. I shouldn’t be grilling my kid for information on what his mother says.

He shrugged.

“Working is important,” I said, feeling the need to defend myself. “I bet you work hard in school.”

He nodded, finishing chewing his chicken. “Do you wish you were home with us when you’re at work?”

God. It was like he was stabbing me in the heart. “Yes. I’d love to spend more time with you.”

“But you can’t because of work?”

“That’s right.” In that moment I had a flashback to when I was just a little older than Noah and asking my mom why dad was never around. She told me he was off working out of state, but later I determined she didn’t know who or where he was. My mother had difficulty working so she was around a lot, but the upshot of that was we didn’t have money. Some nights, we didn’t have dinner.

But that wasn’t the case now. We had plenty of money. Of course, we had that money because I worked hard. And money was a fickle thing. Something could go wrong and we’d lose it all. The fallout from that was missing out on spending time with my kids.

“Noah.”

He looked up from his lunch. “I’m sorry I’m gone a lot. But I’ll always be here for you, son. I love you so much. You know that, don’t you?”

He nodded, and yet, his eyes suggested he hadn’t been sure, and it tore me in two.

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