“Grrrr…” I snarled. I sipped my tea, looking for calm. I couldn’t control what happened if I died, so it was better not to dwell on it. Instead, I picked up the notebook I’d brought out to the sunporch with me and began to make a list of what needed to be done. I’d need help during treatment as I wouldn’t have the energy. I’d need rides to and from treatment, as well. Would Brayden be able to make the time to help? Perhaps Emma could help.
As I finished my list, I re-visited the memory of Brayden and I when we’d first met. Our relationship was intense and glorious. I’d felt like anything was possible with him. It was the only reason I’d taken the risk in leaving my six-figure job to start a company with him. And I’d been right. Together, we built a company that caught the eye of others in the industry wanting to spend a fortune to buy us out. But we were adamant that the company was ours and would always be ours. Of course, I hadn’t worked since Lanie was born, except for occasional consulting, although I hadn’t done that in a long time.
I wondered what would happen if I visited Brayden at work and suggested a visit to the supply closet. Ten years ago, it had felt fun, exciting, right. Now, it felt silly and desperate. He’d probably tell me he had a meeting he couldn’t miss.
Realizing I was just going around and around about our relationship, I decided to move on with my day. Distraction was a valuable tool in avoiding emotions I didn’t want to feel.
I might have lost sight of my marriage, but I was still dedicated to taking care of my family. I put my tea cup in the dishwasher and turned it on to run. I needed to do some grocery shopping, and pick up Brayden’s suit from the dry cleaners.
As I started on my day, I wondered if the issue between us was how different our daily lives were. Before the kids, we spent all our time together working towards the same goals. Now my day was filled with kids, chores, and errands, while he built the business. We didn’t share anything in common except the kids. Now they were in school, perhaps I should think about working in the business again. Would he be open to that?
Except the cancer. The thought flashed in my mind reminding me that thinking of a future wasn’t a good use of my time right now. Maybe, if the cancer responded to treatment, then I could think about a future with me and Brayden and the kids. Until then, I needed to prepare for a future without me.
9
Brayden
I woke this morning as I did everyday now; alone in my bed. For all of the reflecting on my life and marriage I’d done the day before, I hadn’t made any effort to change it. I knew something was wrong. Even before I learned Terra was considering divorce. So why was I in my bed alone? Why hadn’t I done anything to make things right? Was there anything I could do to make things right?
I rose from bed, and went to the kitchen to make coffee. Like the day before, I took the quiet time in the house to wake up while looking out over the expanse of the backyard. It was lush and green due to the wet climate of the Pacific Northwest. A large swing set sat in one area. A covered outdoor patio complete with grilling station sat unused for years. When had we stopped enjoying the backyard?
Maybe we should use it, I thought as I sipped my hot brew. In fact, maybe I should take a day off and spend it with my family. I ran through my list of to-dos for the day. I didn’t like being away from work if I didn’t have to be. It felt wrong to play hooky, and yet my family was on the line here. Surely one day away wouldn’t hurt the company. Then again, would one day together really make a difference for me and Terra?
Deciding I needed to make some effort, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Kyle’s number.
“Hullo?” his sleepy voice came through the line.
“Kyle, sorry to wake you.” I checked my watch. It was six thirty. Why wasn’t he up yet? Then again, he didn’t have a family. His only responsibility was to himself. When I was single and didn’t have to share a bathroom or help get kids up, I could be up and out of the house in twenty minutes.
“It’s okay. What’s up? Is something wrong?”
“No. Everything is fine, but I’m not coming in today,” I said.
“You sick?”
“No.”
“Have you ever taken a day off?”
I thought for a moment. I’d taken a couple days off when Lanie and then Noah were born, but that was about it.
“Not in a while. I want to spend some time with the family. I know you’ll be able to oversee the cloud security project update today, and anything else that comes up.”
“Of course. No worries.”
When I hung up, I felt a mixture of relief and worry. I felt good about taking the day for my family, and yet, a sense of falling short of my duty at work. Shirking that feeling off, I went back to the kitchen and started making some breakfast.
“Aren’t you going to work?” Terra said thirty minutes later as she entered the kitchen with Noah.
“I’m taking the day off.” I sprinkled cheese into the omelet I was making for Terra. I already had pancakes warming for the kids in the oven.
“Are you sick?”
“Nope.” I grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured a cup of coffee I made in a carafe instead of from pods, and handed it to her.
“What are we eating, daddy?” Lanie said as she skipped into the kitchen taking her seat next to Noah.
“Pancakes for you two, omelets for mom and me.”