“Fear of what?” Denise asked in a gentle tone. Why she wasn’t calling me out on my bullshit, I didn’t know. What did the reason matter? The truth was, I should have been on time today?
I sat in my own self-loathing for a moment. “Losing it all, I guess. I’m not sure.”
“You’re more afraid of losing your business than you wife?” The angry woman asked with an edge of disapproval.
“No, but I can see how my actions seem to suggest that. That’s what my wife thinks and frankly, I can’t blame her.” I took a breath not enjoying all the feelings this confession was producing.
“So why not change?” Sam asked.
I had no good answer to that.
“Have you ever lost everything before?” Denise asked.
“I’ve had nothing before.” Less than nothing even.
Denise and Sam nodded as if my statement revealed something about me. I hoped they’d enlighten me.
“When was that?” Sam asked.
“Growing up.” God, I hoped that I didn’t have to go into that. This was supposed to help me do better for Terra, not re-live my difficult childhood.
“Can you tell us about that?” he prodded.
“I thought I was here to talk about my wife’s cancer,” I said not wanting to delve into my past.
“This is clearly related,” Sam said.
I looked around the room at all the others there. Surely one of them wanted a turn. But all stared at me as if they were waiting for my childhood sob story.
I sighed. “We were poor.”
“How poor?” The angry lady asked with a tone that suggested I was being a pussy.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Really poor.”
“Where you homeless?” she asked..
I looked her in the eyes. “Sometimes.”
She blinked, clearly not expecting that. “Where was your dad?”
I shrugged. “I don’t have one.”
“Everyone has a dad, even if it’s an absent one,” she quipped.
The truth was, I had no clue who he was. I’m not sure my mother did. I was curious about him as a kid, but as I got older, I decided I didn’t want to know. It was clear that I wasn’t planned, which meant I was a mistake from the harsh realities of a young woman with no resources going through life alone. I figured I was either the result of her turning a trick or an assault. I didn’t know and I didn’t want to know.
“I never knew him. My mother never spoke of him.”
“You probably where hungry sometimes too,” Sam said.
I nodded, hating to have go back and remember how much my stomach would hurt but I wouldn’t tell my mother because I knew she was already feeling bad and stressed about our dire situation. I remembered being wet and cold as we foraged through the trash bins behind restaurants. My mother would try to make it fun asking what kind of food did we want tonight? Chinese? Mexican? I always preferred Chinese as it was better soggy and cold than other foods. I wonder what the angry woman would say if I revealed that tidbit.
“That must be an amazing story of how you went from homeless kid to owning your own business,” Bob said next to me.
“My mom always got me to school. She had to lie about where we lived sometimes, but I went. She hammered into me that education and hard work was the key to my escaping poverty. I believed her. She was right.”
“Where is she now?” Denise asked.