At least she wasn’t the type to turn the kids against me. Not that they needed help to see that I was absent a lot. They had eyes. Fortunately, they didn’t seem resentful yet.
“Daddy, when can we get shrimp?” Lanie asked in the morning as I got them ready for school.
“I’m going to name mine Steven,” Noah added.
Fuck, I’d hadn’t followed through on that. “How about this weekend?”
“Yay. I can’t wait.” Lanie clapped her hands. I wished I could say something that had Terra smiling with joy and excitement. Hopefully, when this was all said and done, the damage I’d done wasn’t irreparable.
On Friday, I worked with Kyle to finalize my plans and crossed my fingers that by that afternoon, I’d have everything in place. Maybe I’d even make it home for dinner.
After lunch, I took an hour and went to the cancer support group. I’d been so uncomfortable during the last one, but now, I found myself needing to be around them. They understood the challenges cancer brought to a family. They also seemed to understand my personal struggle. With Terra pulling away from me, I felt like I was floundering. I hoped Bob and the group could reassure me that I was on the right track and give me the last bit of courage and support I needed to get this done and then win my wife back.
“I’m glad you’re back Brayden,” Bob said when I walked in. A part of me felt guilty for being there. I’d made time for this meeting, but hadn’t been on time for Terra’s last appointment. Still, I needed these people right now to help me get over the next hurdle.
“Thank you. I wasn’t sure I would,” I admitted.
“It can be hard to bare your soul, and yet it’s good for you.” Bob poured himself a coffee and got a Danish.
I passed on the Danish, but did get some coffee.
The angry woman and the guy married to Lisa were there, as well as the leaders and all the others from the last meeting.
Like the first meeting, I held back from participating. Just being in a room of people who were in a similar situation was calming.
“My husband got angry with me because I can’t go with him on his next rounds of chemo,” a woman who hadn’t spoken much the last time said. “My boss won’t let me off work and we need insurance from my job.”
“Surely he understands that,” Sam said.
“He does and he doesn’t. I want to be there, but I don’t want to upset my boss either.”
“You don’t want to risk losing your insurance, either,” said the angry woman, who wasn’t angry, but did seem annoyed.
“You got time off for this meeting,” Denise pointed out.
“We close early on Fridays. On Wednesday when I got back from this meeting, I was called into my boss’s office and he expressed concern about how much time I was away. Wednesday I was on my lunch break, but even so.”
I felt bad for her, but mostly I felt like a bigger ass. I didn’t have a boss preventing me from being with my family. I didn’t have to worry about losing health insurance. And yet, I’d still not been fully present for Terra’s treatments and doctor’s appointments.
Everyone chimed in with support and suggestions, except me because I didn’t think I had anything to offer her.
“How are you Brayden?” Denise asked as we moved on to the next topic.
“I’m…in limbo.”
“What do you mean?” Sam prodded.
“I’ve made a decision that is taking me longer to enact and so, my life is the same, at least where my wife is concerned. I thought I could get it done fast and then focus on her, but that’s not happening.”
“Have you explained to her?” Bob asked.
“I’ve tried but she’s avoiding me. And I’ve said things before to indicate I’d change, but then didn’t. Until it’s done, she won’t believe me. I don’t blame her really.”
“Is her treatment done?” another member asked.
“She has surgery in two weeks. Double mastectomy and then more chemo and radiation. I want to be there one hundred percent for that.”
“Before it seemed like your fear of losing everything and living like you did as a child was preventing you from taking the time you needed. What’s di