Is that what this was? Then again, I couldn’t remember many surprises in the last few years.
“Either way, I wanted a chance to talk to you,” he said.
We could have talked at home, I thought, but didn’t say. He nodded in the direction we had just come and started walking. I went with him. We needed to talk although I couldn’t figure out what would be said that would change things. It wasn’t like we hadn’t talked before. We’d done it many times to no avail.
“The kids liked those shrimps. You struck gold with them there,” I said trying to make small talk.
Brayden glanced at me. “You think I’m trying to buy their affection?”
Crap. That’s not what I meant…or at least I didn’t think I did.
“They’re not the ones I need to win over, Terra. Despite my being a shitty husband and father, they like me.” He shook his head. “Thank fuck someone in my family does,” he said under his breath.
Then he walked on, running his hands through his hair like he was annoyed, not just at me but at himself too.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply—”
“Are you sure?” He huffed out a breath. “I wanted this to go better, nicer. I have no idea what you’re planning, but my goal is to save my marriage, my family. Am I wasting my time?”
I hated how desperate he sounded, and yet, we’d been through all this. “What’s different now than before, Brayden?”
He stopped short and looked at me. “Plenty if you give me a minute, but none of it will matter if you’ve already checked out of this marriage. Do you still love me?”
“Brayden—”
“I know you think I’ve been giving you lip service over the last few weeks, but it’s not like I could simply walk away from the business. We have clients that pay us thousands, in some cases, tens of thousands of dollars. We have a staff who rely on us to pay their rent and feed their families. I know they’re not as important as you or the kids, but do you really expect me to just chuck it all and let them fend for themselves?”
I studied him, surprised by the forcefulness of his tone. Usually when we had this discussion there was a part of him that seemed to be trying to appeal to me. That was gone. Now I saw all his frustration and hurt.
“I don’t know what you think I do all day, but it takes time to reorganize, delegate, and assure everyone that their jobs and services will continue without any issues. And they are concerned, Terra. Who wouldn’t be with shit happening nearly every time I was out of the office taking care of you, dealing with the kids, paying the bills, and everything else? And before you accuse me of being a baby or complaining, I was happy to do it. I’m happy to keep doing it. But maybe it would be nice if you didn’t bust my balls, call a lawyer, or run off to your dad’s house.” He let out an exasperated growl. “Fuck.” Clearly, he’d wanted this conversation to go differently.
He began to walk on and I gave him a few steps as I could see he needed a minute. As I started behind him, I realized he was right. Part of my resentment toward him was that I didn’t feel like he knew or appreciated just what I did for the family. It seemed like he felt he could come and go and do whatever he wanted, while I was caring for the kids and home. But over the last month, he’d worked and picked up the slack at home when I was in treatment, and I didn’t thank him. In fact, I got angry.
I was upset at him for not considering how my life was, but I hadn’t really thought about his, like the weight of responsibility of running a business. I’d just assumed he was putting it ahead of his family because of his phobic worry about being poor again. But it was more than that.
He didn’t support or acknowledge me and what I did, but neither did I for him. In fact, I withdrew from him. At least he’d never done that. In fact, he’d done all sorts of things to try and reconnect with me, including setting up today. All of a sudden, I felt like the bad guy in this marriage.
“Brayden,” I called and trotted to catch up with him. He was through the exit of the zoo, and I thought he might be leaving. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I should have been more understanding and supportive of what you’ve taken on.”
He stopped and took a deep breath. He looked at me, his eyes filled with a torrent of emotions. “I don’t want to fight, Terra. That’s not what I wanted for today.”
I was ruining everything and blaming him. It was time to grow up and meet him in the middle, like he’d been asking me to for a long time. “What did you want?”
“To make
a grand gesture.” He nodded in the direction behind me.
I turned, and my heart jumped. We were just outside the rose garden where we were married nearly a decade before.
“Will you give me a chance or am I wasting my time?” he asked.
I felt tears of shame for making it so hard for him to reach me. “You’re not wasting your time.”
He studied me for a minute, like he was trying to decide if I was being truthful. Then he motioned for me to walk toward the garden.
“I know that I’m…was a workaholic. In my mind I was justified, partly because I like the control and security it gives me, but also, I wanted to make sure you had the life you were accustomed to growing up.”
“Brayden, I don’t need—”