All deaths were difficult, but the one that haunted me was a car accident just over a year ago. Although she wasn’t my patient, being that we were a small town, I’d known her and felt the loss deeply. In fact, I’d known her all my life, so it had been like losing a member of my family.
Today, I hadn’t had any life-threatening ailments so far in my shift. I diagnosed eczema in a toddler and I stitched up a construction worker’s hand.
“Joyce is here to see you again, Dr. Foster,” Peggy Shoals, one of the nurses on duty today said.
I rolled my eyes. Joyce was my age, thirty-three, and a pretty woman, who either suffered from hypochondria or was trying to get a date with me. Since having moved back home four years ago, she was fairly regular in the emergency room. I’d checked her for ticks at least twice before, along with various sprains, migraines, and, my favorite, concerns that her breast implant had broken.
I made my way to the area where Joyce was waiting for treatment.
“Dr. Foster.” Her blue eyes lit up and she sat up straighter, showing of her store-bought tits in a tank top.
“Ms. Maynard, what seems to be the trouble today?” I asked, going to the computer to see what had been entered in the electronic medical record, or EMR, we’d been forced to adapt to several years ago. In theory, it was supposed to make treating patients easier, but in truth, it was a pain in the ass.
“I’ve got terrible stomach pains,” she said, lifting her shirt to expose her belly. She rubbed her hand over it.
“What have you had to eat today?” I pulled up her file on the computer.
“Nothing. I woke with a stomach ache.”
I motioned for her to lay back. I was sure she didn’t have a stomach ache, but I couldn’t dismiss her on the off chance she really was sick. “Any diarrhea?”
She made a face. “God, no.”
“Vomiting?”
She shook her head.
“When was the last time you had a bowel movement?” Maybe she was constipated.
She made another face. “Why are you asking about my shit?”
I took a breath to hide my annoyance. “Clues to the reason for a stomach ailment can sometimes be determined by … your shit,” I said using her term.
I did my exam, checking for anything unusual in her abdomen. She pushed her shorts down far enough for me to see that she waxed.
I ignored that as I pressed the soft tissue. “Any pain or discomfort?”
“No.”
I ruled out a variety of possibilities including appendicitis.
I pulled up prescriptions on her chart and noted that she was on birth control. Even so, I asked, “Any chance you’re pregnant?”
Her eyes widened. “No.”
“You haven’t missed any pills?” I looked again at the medications and didn’t see antibiotics, which could sometimes lower birth control pills’ effectiveness. “Have you been on any antibiotics?”
“No.” Her hand rested on my forearm. “The pills work great. Maybe we could test them.”
I tried not to roll my eyes. “You probably have a little bug. Have some broth soup, and maybe a few crackers, then see how you feel.”
She nodded. “Why don’t you come to Dina’s Diner with me for lunch. To make sure I don’t faint or something.”
“Have you fainted or felt lightheaded?” I asked, typing in the information into the EMR.
She hesitated and I turned to look at her. “Well … maybe a little.”
For the most part, I was amused by Joyce, but the truth was, she was wasting hospital time and resources each time she came in with a bogus ailment.