Our Last Chance (Heart of Hope 1)

“My heart is racing. I’m panicked that I fucked up and I can’t live with that.”

He nodded. “Did you order the tests?”

“Yes.”

“The other patient you attended, did he or she need you?”

I sucked in a deep breath. “The baby was crowning when I got to her.”

“So yes. Was there someone else who could have helped either of them?”

Fuck why was he doing this? “The other doctor on duty was in the middle of a procedure.”

“There were only two doctors on duty?”

I nodded. “At that time yes. It’s a small hospital.” I lay my head back on the couch, feeling emotionally whupped.

“Have you lost a patient before?”

“Yes, but this woman … she’d been my teacher. Everyone’s teacher.”

“So along with losing her, you have to bear the grief of the town.”

“And blame. I’m being sued.”

He nodded. “What could you have done differently?”

“Stayed with her.” That was the thing that kept going around in my head. I should have stayed with Ms. Mason.

“Then who’d deliver the baby? What if the mother or baby, or both died because you weren’t there?”

“The delivery was routine. No complications.”

“You know that now, but how could you know that then?”

I scraped my hands over my face. He was right.

“This is a process Nick, and maybe this situation isn’t the best to start with since it has ongoing parts to it. The point is that often we let our imaginations and emotions run wild. Our body responds to that, whether the situation is real or simply a thought. That’s why you have panic attacks or second guess your work and the nightmares. They’re responses to what you’re thinking or feeling. Learning to put them in perspective is a start.”

“How long will it take?”

The doctor laughed. “Well, that depends on you and how serious you are about making a change. It won’t happen in one session, though. Are you still practicing medicine?”

I shook my head. “I quit. Not because of this though. It was something else.”

“What else?”

Jesus, did I have to tell him all my faults? “A woman I care about was hurt.”

He watched me as if he was waiting for more. When he didn’t say anything, I continued. “People thought I should have been put on leave or that the hospital was covering up a mistake they think I made, and they protested. It got a little out of hand, and she got knocked down.”

“That’s your fault too, I imagine.”

I shrugged. “If I’d handled Ms. Mason’s case differently, she might be alive, which means no protest, which means Mia wouldn’t be hurt.”

“So, the protesters have no blame? Were they on hospital property?”

I nodded. “Yes. Outside the door.”