“You all sound mad.”
April started to open her mouth, but I interrupted. “Do you have a best friend, honey?”
“I do. Her name is Sarah and she was in my class last year.”
“Have you ever not gotten along with her? Maybe argued about something?” I asked her.
“Jude.” August’s voice was a warning, but what was he going to do? Besides, she was my daughter. Just because he had more time with her didn’t negate my right to talk to her as I saw fit.
“Sometimes. Like when we want to do different things,” Maya confirmed.
“Well, your Uncle Auggie and I used to be friends.”
April bit her lip, clearly not sure this was the right way to go. But I was sick of the bullshit and I wasn’t going to be labeled the problem in this dysfunctional triad.
“Really?” Maya looked from me to August, who also didn’t appear too happy about my comment. “Did you fight?”
“Yes.”
Maya frowned. “What about?” Her little face squished into concern and my love for her flowed even stronger that she was sincerely interested in her father and uncle’s feud.
“You mom.”
“Jude, maybe this isn’t the best idea,” April said.
“It's a terrible idea,” August added.
“The truth is never a bad idea,” I said.
Maya nodded. “My teacher says to always tell the truth.”
“Out of the mouths of babes,” I said, probably feeling more smug than I should. The only person on my side was a seven-year-old.
“You can say sorry and make up,” Maya said to me. “Then you can be friends again.” She grinned and I wished to hell that the messiness of life was that easy to fix.
“The problem is, that grownups aren’t as enlightened as you, Maya. Sometimes love or friendship isn’t enough.” I tossed April’s words back at her. She flinched and looked down, I hoped in shame. Then I worried that I’d said something that would have Maya worried she wouldn’t be loved. “The exception is you, of course. We all love you and that will never change. Ever.”
Maya studied me clearly not understanding why love for her was undying but not for her mother or uncle. The truth was, my love for April was undying, but she didn’t love me back. And August, well, I’m not sure that bridge would ever be rebuilt.
“Don’t you love daddy, mama?”
April’s gaze flicked up to me. She was silent for a beat and then said, “Yes. Yes I do.”
It should have felt good, but it only hurt more. I waited for her to tell Maya what she’d told me. That love wasn’t enough. That August’s needs and demands were paramount, more important than our lives. More important than the three of us being a family.
April covered her mouth, and a small sob escaped. She stepped toward me and turned to August. I closed my eyes as I realized what she was doing. She was taking a side. She was choosing me. But I’d thought this before. Hours before, actually, and it turned out I was wrong. She’d fucked me and then left me. So I put up my guard. I couldn’t trust April with my heart. Not anymore.
26
April
I couldn’t keep walking away from Jude. Every time I did, a part of me died. I didn’t want August to hurt him and his business, but I couldn’t not love Jude. I couldn’t simply be the mother of his child. I couldn’t bear the way he looked at me earlier at Petal’s when he realized I was still leaving or now like I’d betrayed him. And of course, I had. He’d told me he loved me, and I didn’t answer. He said he could deal with August, but I’d ignored that.
But now I realized that I had to trust in him that he could overcome whatever August did. That we could. Especially watching him with Maya. He’d been a father for only a few days, and yet took to it like he’d been here since she was born. He loved her, was nurturing her interests, and including her in activities and this discussion, instead of telling her she was too small or too young. And clearly, she felt the same for him.
I looked up at him, hoping he understood what I was doing. I think he did, but the pain I’d caused him still hung around. Like he wasn’t sure he could trust that I’d stick to this decision. So, it was up to me to make sure he knew I was choosing him and Maya. Our family. Oh God, I’d nearly sacrificed my family because my brother was a jerk. No wonder Jude appeared suspicious of my intentions.
I turned my attention to August. “You’re my brother August, but Maya and Jude are my family. I need to be with them.” God, I hoped Jude would let me in again.