I realized he interpreted my comment as my choosing August over him.
“Maya is our blood, Jude.”
He nodded.
It was time for me to be clear. I couldn’t skirt around the issue and hope he’d catch on. I needed to risk my heart.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
He shrugged. “You’re between a rock and hard place. I get it.”
“I’m not though. Not anymore.” Taking a chance, I stood, putting my wine glass on the coffee table and moving to sit next to him on the couch, his gaze on me intently the entire way. “I was wrong not to trust you.”
He simply kept staring at me.
“Jude?”
“Yes.”
“I love you.”
His breath hitched and for the first time since this afternoon, I saw his guard go down and hope return to his eyes. At least I believed it was hope.
“I should have said it earlier. I was wrong about that too. I suppose in some ways August and I are alike.”
“No.”
“I thought I was protecting you, and instead I was hurting you. August thought he was protecting me too—”
“August was being selfish. You were being selfless.” He stared at me for a long moment. “Do you believe what August said? That he thought I was his friend for you or money?”
I shook my head. “I don’t believe that about you, but I’m not surprised he felt that. Not at first, I don’t think, but he’s insecure and I can see him wondering why someone like you would be his friend.”
“I’ve had eight years to wonder that myself.” He ran a hand through his hair. “He felt betrayed by me, I get that, but I’d trust him too, and I still can’t wrap my head around all he did to hurt me.”
I put my hand on his thigh. “I’m so sorry, Jude. I wish I’d realized it sooner. August caused us both a lot of pain, but I know that I could have done things differently too. I could have hunted you down for one.”
He nodded. “I could have come home during a leave and confronted you. I suppose a part of me believed him when he said I wasn’t good enough for you. You were going to college meeting men who were more up your alley.”
“I got my education, but I was suffering morning sickness the first semester.”
His eyes flashed with pain, and I hated to see it. “I should have been there.”
“You’re here, and whatever happens, I know you’ll be here for Maya. I won’t get in the way of that, and I won’t let August either.”
He stared at me like he wasn’t sure he could believe me. I couldn’t blame him. “I know I haven’t been very good at standing up to August, at asserting myself, but I assure you, I’m ready to do so now.”
“You gave into him today.” His voice was flat and I could feel myself losing him again.
“I wasn’t choosing him, Jude. I was choosing you. You’d had so much pain and loss because of August, and I thought if I negotiated with him, he’d back off and you could build your business and live your life without his interference.”
“That wasn’t for you to decide. I told you earlier that losing you, not having you, that’s what August wanted and so you let him win again. And it pisses me off that you don’t trust me or think I’m capable of defending myself.”
I let out a sigh and looked down at my hands in my lap. He was right, of course. My intentions were good, but they’d still hurt him. And apparently, made him decide I wasn’t worth the effort after all.
“I’m sorry.” What else could I say? “I handled it wrong.”
“What do you want, April.”