“Of course. Take care of yourself Cy.”
But he’d already hung up. For a moment I sat and processed what he’d said. He called me a friend, a reminder that he had no reason not to reunite with his ex. He’d also said a “friend from Bismarck” not a friend from home, which suggested that while he’d planted roots here, this still wasn’t his home.
I tossed my phone on the coffee table and rubbed my hands over my face. I really needed to stop overanalyzing everything. He was my friend. End of story.
The next few days were filled with cupcakes, reviewing applications for the job at the bakery, and once I arrived home, a call from Cyrus. He sounded tired and concerned, and I wished I was there to comfort him.
But the next few evenings I didn’t hear from him. The first night, I figured he was busy or tired. The following night, I was concerned, but again determined he had a lot on his mind. He had no obligation to call me. The next night, I nearly called him but changed my mind because I knew I was doing it more for me than him. Not that I wasn’t worried and wanted to help him, but if I was honest with myself, I missed him and it was selfish to call him simply so I could hear his voice. It was a reminder that my feelings were tipping into more than friends, which wasn’t allowed. He didn’t want that.
So, when I would have been talking to Cyrus, I was back on the dating site. I had a few messages from men. Some wanted to meet, but I wasn’t quite there yet. I told myself it was because I needed to get to know them via message first.
I also reviewed more applications for my bakery assistant position and started to make a list of the ones I wanted to interview. For a minute I wondered if I really should hire someone. This idea came because I wasn’t able to go help Cyrus. But if not for him, would I be looking to hire? Then I decided that whether Cyrus was in my life or not, I did need to make time and space in my life for personal pursuits, such as dating.
15
Cyrus
I sat at my desk back in Bismarck feeling guilty for being there. I’d spent nearly a week with my mother as we navigated her treatment schedule. It was clear that treatment would be difficult for her and she’d need help. I was ready to let Jude know I couldn’t come back, but my mother insisted that I return to Bismarck.
“You have to continue your life, Cyrus,” she’d said to me.
“I need to be here, mom.” I was sitting on the edge of her bed, terrified by how weak she appeared after her first treatment.
“I don’t want to be the reason your life is on hold.” She held my hand and it occurred to me that she was soothing me when I was supposed to be helping her.
“Mom—”
“No Cyrus. If you want to help me, live your life and be happy.”
“I can’t do that when you’re sick.”
She made a face. “You have to. I can’t bear it otherwise.”
Ugh. That meant I had to find her help. Enter, Lora. At first, the idea of my ex helping my mother felt awkward. But after she came by the last couple days I was there, it felt right. Lora was an oncology nurse so she knew all about what my mom needed and was experiencing. After the first time Lora came by, we’d settled into a friendly exchange. The fact that I was once engaged to her was so far in the past that it didn’t hang between us. It was a good realization. I’d moved on.
I flew home Sunday and now on Monday morning, was back at work, but feeling guilty about it. Sure, Lora was probably better at helping my mother, but I was her son. I really needed to be there. At the same time, I couldn’t abandon my obligations to Jude and April, and my responsibilities to Dina and Conner.
“Hey man.” Jude walked into my office and took a seat in the chair by my desk. “I’m sorry about your mom.”
“Hey.” I sat back and let out a breath. “Thanks.”
“You know, if you need more time, we can handle things here.”
I shook my head. “I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You did it for me when Bertie was born.” He sipped from the World’s Best Dad mug his daughter Maya had given him for Father’s Day.
“You still worked some even when you were officially out. Plus, we’re bigger now. We’ve got contracts all over.”
“We can take on someone new—”
I shook my head. “I can do my job, Jude.”
His brow arched at my terse tone.
“Sorry.” I scraped my hands over my face. “I just…I need to be able to do my thing. My mom already has cut me off from helping her too much.”
“Why?”