His words made me realize that he wasn’t just ending the benefits part but also the friendship to some extent. There wouldn’t be any late-night calls that ended in phone sex.
I was glad I hadn’t told him I loved him as that would have made this moment harder.
“You too, Cy. I hope you won’t be a total stranger. I hope you’ll keep in touch some.”
He nodded, but it was non-committal.
I struggled to eat dinner because my throat had closed up. But we did our best to talk like friends. It was all I could do to not invite him for one last night in bed. There were moments when I thought he might ask. But instead, two hours later, I was wishing him well as he got ready to walk out my door.
His hand palmed my cheek. “I meant it when I said I’d miss you. You’re a light in life.”
His words both warmed me and gave me pain. He leaned forward and gently kissed me.
“If you see Paul again, tell him I’m sorry for being such an asshole.”
With those words, Cyrus was breaking things off. He was acknowledging that I had to move on.
“Be happy, Petal.”
I did my best to smile. “I will. You too, Cy. I wish all the best for you and your mother.”
He turned and I watched as he went down the steps. When he reached the door to the street, he turned. I gave him a small wave. He waved back and then walked out the door and out of my life.
23
Cyrus
I’d done a lot of difficult things in my life. Navy SEAL training was no walk in the park. Some of the missions I’d done in the military tested the limits of my ability. But if someone asked me the hardest thing I’d ever done, I’d tell them it was walking away from Petal. Leaving her was like giving up the sun.
I’d left her apartment that afternoon after having sex feeling shaken. Feeling like something had shifted with us during our fight and then as I touched her. I was sorting out what it could mean when I got a call from Lora. She asked about Thanksgiving and the following week when my mother’s treatment would resume.
“I’m going to spend some time with my family. I’ll still be able to come by, but I wanted to make arrangements for at least one of her appoint
ments that I won’t be able to make,” she said. I was so grateful to have her help, and knew I was imposing on her a lot. Especially since I couldn’t reciprocate her desire to reconcile.
“I’ll make arrangements,” I said. Later when I was meeting with Jude, I discussed staying longer after Thanksgiving.
“Why don’t you just work remotely Cy. It will give you a chance to be there all the time when she needs you, and still be a part of the business, since clearly you don’t trust me to run it like I trusted you when I was out.”
I knew he was kidding, but I still said, “It’s not a matter of trust, Jude. I know you can run this place without me. But I enjoy it. We’ve really built something here.”
He nodded. “We have. But you need to be with your mom now. As far as I’m concerned you can take a full leave, but I’m not sure you know how to not work.”
I laughed. “I think you’re right. About the not knowing how not to work and the need to work remotely.”
It wasn’t right to put so much on Lora. I was the son. It was my responsibility to care for my mother. But when I thought about being in Chicago, the first thing that came to mine wasn’t work, it was Petal.
By the time, I arrived at her apartment, I knew I had to end things with her. Not just the benefits, but I needed to pull away from our friendship as well. What I’d realized from that afternoon was that this had gone beyond a couple of friends fucking. My emotions were involved, but I couldn’t pursue anything with her. I still couldn’t give her the house and family. Until I could totally untether those feelings from her, I couldn’t be just a friend. And since I needed to be with my mother, I couldn’t ask her to wait. I tried that with Lora, and it hadn’t gone well. Besides, Petal deserved all the happiness in the world. She deserved a man who could give her one-hundred-and-ten percent of himself. I might have been able to do that eventually, but not now.
I wanted to make love to her again before I left, but that seemed too cruel to do to either of us, so I gave her a soft kiss and walked away, each step a piece of my heart broke off.
Fortunately, I was busy the next few days making arrangements to work from Chicago, including setting up high speed Internet at my mom’s with Lora’s help, packing clothes to take, and closing up the house, at least for now. I’d have to figure out if I’d be back or if I needed to sell later.
Several times over those few days, I wanted to go see Petal, but I fought against that urge, knowing it would only make things harder. When I finally arrived in Chicago the week of Thanksgiving, I thought it would be easier. When I was with my mother, I was distracted from thinking about Petal, but when my mom rested or late at night, Petal was there. So many times, I picked up the phone, needing to hear her voice, but it would only make things worse. No, this needed to be like a Band-Aid that needed to be ripped off. I needed to go cold turkey. But fucking hell, it was tearing me apart.
“Cy? Are you okay?” Lora asked me one afternoon as she stopped by to check on my mom who was resting. “You seem out of sorts. Is it your mom? I know she’s having a hard time, but she’s hanging in there.”
I sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and staring off into space, as I often did now when my time wasn’t occupied. The offices were closed since it was Thanksgiving tomorrow so I didn’t even have work to distract me.