Drew was so happy though, so proud of himself when he got it right, beaming down at the flipped pancake. My heart filled with warmth. I loved him so much that it felt unreal sometimes, like I couldn’t believe that such much love could even fit into my body. Like it just had to overflow at some point.
We ate up, slathering our pancakes with syrup, and for once I didn’t police the amount of food that Drew had. I still felt guilty about leaving him all night and what harm could a little bit of extra sugar do every once in a while. He was a kid, let him have it.
Once we finished eating, I sent Drew to take a shower to get the batter off of him, while Caitlyn and I cleaned up the kitchen.
“So…” Caitlyn said, playfully splashing a little water at me over at the sink. “How’d it go? What happened? It must have gone well seeing as you spent the night with him.”
My face felt like it was on fire. I kept my head down, smiling in spite of myself. “It was…perfect, honestly. It was wonderful. Everything I could’ve dreamed. He was a gentleman, he made me laugh….”
“And the sex?” Caitlyn asked, lowering her voice.
I bit my lip. You could’ve cooked a pancake on my face, that’s how hot it felt right now. “It was amazing. But I mean, that didn’t surprise me. It wa
s just…you know….”
Caitlyn elbowed me with a sly grin. “I’m happy for you. You deserved a great night.” She paused. “And it sounds like it’s going well, like the things you had worried about aren’t there anymore.”
I sighed, reality coming crashing back in. “They’re going too well, honestly. I don’t know what to do. I told him last night that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I said it in general, but I also pointed out that—specifically, with him—there’s the fact that he’s in D.C. and I can’t transplant my entire life for a new relationship that might not work out. I don’t want to do the long-distance thing, either. It would just be a mess. He seemed to take it well, but he’d also seemed upset when I fled this morning.”
“Well, maybe he was hoping for round two of sex,” Caitlyn wiggled her eyebrows and I elbowed her in the ribs, which only made her laugh.
“Seriously, though. He seemed upset and…well, I just said that I didn’t want a relationship.”
“But not wanting a relationship doesn’t mean that you can’t stay the night,” Caitlyn replied. “The reason you were panicking was because of Drew, wasn’t it? Not because of wanting to keep it casual.”
“Yes,” I admitted. “I panicked because I’d left Drew alone here all night and not come back like I’d promised. And you had to be the babysitter all night and all morning, which wasn’t fair to you. I didn’t even tell you where I was or that I was staying over.”
“I was worried,” Caitlyn admitted. “But I figured I would wait until after breakfast to call you, in case I interrupted anything romantic.”
“And that’s why I can’t keep this up,” I explained. “I have to let Cade go. It’s just not going to work.”
“Well, you don’t know that,” Caitlyn said, putting the last of the dishes in the dishwasher and turning it on. “You have legitimate concerns about his life being in D.C. and I’m not going to argue with you on that. But this whole thing with Drew…wouldn’t it be easier to just tell him? You wouldn’t have had to rush out then, leaving him confused. And you said it’s going so well, and he was great, so why can’t he meet his son?”
I started shaking my head even before Caitlyn had finished speaking. “No. I can’t. I can’t! That was just one date where things went well. A romantic date between two adults who were catching up and then had sex. That’s not the same thing as springing the existence of a child on him.”
“Okay, fine. Then tell me, what’s the worst that could happen?” Caitlyn dried off her hands, then passed me the towel. I took it from her and wiped my hands clean.
“Well, first of all, he’s going to be angry that I didn’t tell him about Drew earlier. So that might implode our relationship, to start with.”
“Well, that’s stupid. How would you have known that you could trust him? He was going to marry someone else, for crying out loud. If he gets angry that’s just ridiculous and you shouldn’t be with him anyway.”
“You’re taking a hard stance against a man. How unlike you,” I said, deadpan.
Caitlyn rolled her eyes. “Look, I’ve seen how awful men can get, up close and personal, so if I see warning signs and red flags, I tell you. Aren’t you lucky that I share my expertise?”
“Even if he’s not angry about me keeping the secret, who says he wants to be a father? We never got around to discussing kids when we we’d been together because that step was far away for us. Why would we talk about kids when we had to get through school first, you know? So, I don’t know if he’d want that now,”
I hung the towel up to dry. “And what if he thinks that he wants kids now, and starts a relationship with Drew, only to decide later—once he’s had a solid taste of it—that he doesn’t want to be a father? Drew would be crushed.
“I mean, my father didn’t want anything to do with me or my mother. I never even met him. But just knowing that he knew about me and chose to walk away, that hurt me. Growing up with that knowledge, it really affected my self-esteem. I can’t let that happen to my son.
“And we’re adults now! What if we find out that we aren’t compatible beyond the sex and the reminiscing about old times? What if the distance, the Detroit-D.C. issue, doesn’t work out? Either of those things would affect his relationship with Drew. I can’t let my son be hurt because of this. I can’t.”
Caitlyn watched me with a sympathetic look on her. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. “It’s better to be safe than sorry,” I finished up. “I don’t want Drew to be heartbroken. Not like I was ten years ago.”
Caitlyn sighed, then looked out the kitchen window. “In my experience, keeping secrets, even for a good reason, can really bite you in the ass. But it’s your choice, and I understand why you’re doing this. I just hope that it all works out.”
I hoped so, too.