“This is serious, now. We can’t just play house. Life isn’t all fun and games.” I wanted him to understand that I didn’t think he was worthless, only that he didn’t take life seriously enough. He wasn’t prepared.
His eyes narrowed and he studied me. “Even after all our time together, you still see me as a slacker who doesn’t give a shit, don’t you?”
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t say I thought he was a slacker, but I also didn’t think he truly grasped the magnitude of what being a parent was going to mean.
“You know what? Fuck it. I’m done trying with you.”
I jerked back at the force of his words.
“I give up. Live your lonely life,” he said.
Inside, I was breaking into a million pieces even as I wasn’t quite sure what was going on.
His angry glare pierced me. “I think you like to wallow in misery. You want to be alone. You want people to disappoint you, so you find all their faults, and when that doesn’t work, you drive them away. You want to be by yourself forever? Fine. Be alone.”
My anger spiked again. “Finally, you get it. I and this baby will be fine without you.” Even as the words were leaving my mouth, a terrible dread came over me.
He jerked back like I’d slapped him and then looked away. It appeared he was gathering himself together.
When he looked back at me, his eyes held a darkness I’d never seen in him. “I was an idiot to fall for you.”
What?
“You really think I’m the type of man to walk away from my child? We’ve known each other since we were kids. We fucking lived together for a month, and after all that time together, you believe I’d abandon my child.” He leaned in toward me. “I came here because I love that baby. When I walked through that door, I loved you. But I’m done with this bullshit. If you can’t see who I really am…then fuck you, Trina. You win, I’ll leave you alone, but I will be in my child’s life. If you try to stop me, you’ll see just how organized and determined I can be when I take you to court.”
I was frozen in place, shocked by his outburst. Anxiety filled in my gut that I’d made a mistake about him, and with it, the possibility that maybe I was wrong too about a future with him.
He stared at me like he was waiting for me to say something. For a moment I was stunned, but then finally, my brain caught up with my mouth and I found my voice.
“Don’t pretend that you wanted to be a big happy family with me, Ryder. You’re right, I have known you most of my life. I’ve seen all the women you’ve gone through. I watched you trade a college education in for a guitar and a music career that hasn’t gone anywhere. I’ve lived in your house that is standing up only on a wing and a prayer, so excuse me if I don’t want to pin my and my baby’s future on a man who would betray his own sister.”
He jerked back. I tried to hold his stare, but as my own words settled in my brain, I couldn’t believe I’d said them.
“Why do you have to make people feel like shit? Are you that insecure that you only feel important if you attack others? Or are you just so socially inept that you can’t even try to behave like a decent human being? If you want to go through life alone, just say so. It would save everyone time.” He walked past me toward the front door.
A part of my brain shouted at me to stop him. But the practical part of me knew that this conversation had gone so far off the rails. There was no bringing it back.
The door slammed shut and my legs gave out. I sank to the floor. I wasn’t sure what just happened, but I couldn’t help the feeling that I’d lost something significant. Was he right? Was I the way I was because I was insecure? Was I socially inept?
I shook my head. No, if I was to attribute a condition to my state of mind, it would be living in fear. Fear of being rejected. My mother left and my father was unable to be a significant presence in my life. It sucked to know my parents didn’t care enough to make an effort to be a nurturing and supportive part of my life. There was nothing wrong with me trying to make sure that no one else ever made me feel abandoned, alone, and unimportant. And yet, as I sat on my kitchen floor, I realized that I may have just created the very situation that I spent my life trying to avoid.
I gave myself time to cry and then I did what I always did when life seemed to be reeling out of control; I pulled up my big girl panties and focused on what needed to be done. I couldn’t wallow in my pain or worry about Ryder’s anger.
As I stood, I pushed away my own emptiness and focused on the task at hand. I had a child to prepare for.
27
Ryder
I stood outside Trina’s apartment when the door slammed behind me, wondering if this was how I really needed to leave things. I’d come to tell her I loved her and ask her to come home with me. I’d done the opposite. And I’d done it in a spectacularly bad way. I was mean, letting my hurt and anger get the best of me.
I wasn’t sure what had happened, except something inside me had snapped. Clearly, I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. It had taken ten years and a fake marriage for me to realize that Trina not only saw me as a loser, but that it was an opinion of me that couldn’t be changed. No matter what I did, she’d always look at me as someone unworthy of her.
Well fuck that. Did I have issues? Sure. Could I be more serious and prepared in life. Yes. But I wasn’t a loser. I had enough self-esteem to know that I had a lot to offer her and our child, and if she couldn’t see that, then fuck her.
I strode away from her door, feeling angrier than I could ever remember feeling. I also felt like a fucking moron for thinking I could change her mind about me. I was an idiot for falling for a woman whose go-to behavior was to push people away and treat them like shit. No more!
She wasn’t the only one who could plan. The next day, the main item on my to-do list was contacting a lawyer about asserting my parental rights. Whatever I had to do to ensure I’d be involved in my child’s life, I’d do.