me to focus on things I could do to control the chaos that was around me. But at night, when I was sleeping, my dreams were no match for the emotions. All night I tossed and turned with grief and guilt and a feeling that I’d ruined the one chance I had at happiness.
It wasn’t so much the anger in Ryder that haunted me, although that had been a revelation. I’d never seen him so angry. No, what tormented me in my sleep was the pain in his eyes. I’d hurt him. Deeply. It burned in my gut until it woke me with a cry.
When morning came, I’d push that aside, and with my head down and eyes forward, I went through the motions of life. I got up, showered, had my coffee, went to work, came home, had dinner, went to bed, and then did it all again the next day.
Thinking maybe Sinclair was right and I could benefit from counseling, but not able to bring myself to visit anyone in town for fear of people finding out and judging me, I accessed an app that offered licensed help professionals. The woman I got was nice and had a gentle yet direct manner when it came to challenging my thoughts. Still, I didn’t feel like it changed much. My life was still a mess.
Two days later, the mayor called me into his office. I was sure I was going to be fired, even though I’d been better behaved than I’d ever been before. I had to shut down so much that I couldn’t even muster irritation or anger when Brooke asked me for feedback on another task of mine the mayor had given her.
I stepped into his office, and simply stood like a zombie. That’s how I felt. The living dead.
His gaze scrutinized me. “I’m concerned about you.”
“I’m fine.”
He leaned back in his chair. “You’re not your usual self.”
“I’d think that was a good thing, sir.”
His lips twitched upwards. “Normally, yes, but you don’t look well either. Is everything okay with the baby?”
“Yes, sir. I’m just…trying to adjust to everything.”
“I know you like order.”
It was more than that. I needed order like I needed air. I didn’t feel I could survive without it.
“I want you to know that your job is secure here, at least while I’m mayor. If Sinclair wins the next election, I’m sure she’ll keep you here too, so despite what I said, your job is safe.”
“Thank you.” That was a relief, although I still felt like crap.
“And I’m sorry I haven’t been more transparent with you on the things I’m assigning to Miss Campbell. I value your work and I’m sorry if I seemed to have disrespected that.”
“I appreciate that, sir.”
He cocked his head giving an air of authority. “Of course, that doesn’t give you permission to be hostile.”
“No, sir.” I didn’t have the energy to be hostile.
He frowned. “Are you sure you’re okay? Do you need the day off?”
“I’d rather work.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I went back to my desk, and took care of the items on my to do list. Each time I saw Sinclair, I tensed, thinking this would be the moment she lambasted me for how I’d treated Ryder, but she seemed too preoccupied with her own work.
In the evening, at home from work, I took stock of my life. The one thing I’d realized that would need to be remedied first was that my apartment was too small. I decided it would be easier to move now than after a baby was born. But as I looked through the rentals available online, I didn’t see anything big enough that I could afford.
As the evening wore on, I felt more fatigued, but I was too afraid to go to bed, not wanting to see Ryder’s pain in my sleep. Eventually, I couldn’t put it off, and so I did a final tidy around my apartment and prepared to go to sleep even though it was only just after eight at night.
A knock at the door had me hoping that it was Ryder, even though I knew it wouldn’t be him.
I looked through the peephole and saw Sinclair. I opened the door.
“Here.” She tossed the book I’d made for her in high school at me. “I forgot to give this to you. At this point, I wouldn’t want it anyway. Where’s the friend that made this book, because the person in front of me isn’t here.”
Finally, she knew what had happened and was here to tell me off. It was sort of a relief that I wouldn’t be walking on eggshells waiting for it to come at work.