I shook my head. No, if I was to attribute a condition to my state of mind, it would be living in fear. Fear of being rejected. My mother left and my father was unable to be a significant presence in my life. It sucked to know my parents didn’t care enough to make an effort to be a nurturing and supportive part of my life. There was nothing wrong with me trying to make sure that no one else ever made me feel abandoned, alone, and unimportant. And yet, as I sat on my kitchen floor, I realized that I may have just created the very situation that I spent my life trying to avoid.
I gave myself time to cry and then I did what I always did when life seemed to be reeling out of control; I pulled up my big girl panties and focused on what needed to be done. I couldn’t wallow in my pain or worry about Ryder’s anger.
As I stood, I pushed away my own emptiness and focused on the task at hand. I had a child to prepare for.
27
Ryder
I stood outside Trina’s apartment when the door slammed behind me, wondering if this was how I really needed to leave things. I’d come to tell her I loved her and ask her to come home with me. I’d done the opposite. And I’d done it in a spectacularly bad way. I was mean, letting my hurt and anger get the best of me.
I wasn’t sure what had happened, except something inside me had snapped. Clearly, I wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. It had taken ten years and a fake marriage for me to realize that Trina not only saw me as a loser, but that it was an opinion of me that couldn’t be changed. No matter what I did, she’d always look at me as someone unworthy of her.
Well fuck that. Did I have issues? Sure. Could I be more serious and prepared in life. Yes. But I wasn’t a loser. I had enough self-esteem to know that I had a lot to offer her and our child, and if she couldn’t see that, then fuck her.
I strode away from her door, feeling angrier than I could ever remember feeling. I also felt like a fucking moron for thinking I could change her mind about me. I was an idiot for falling for a woman whose go-to behavior was to push people away and treat them like shit. No more!
She wasn’t the only one who could plan. The next day, the main item on my to-do list was contacting a lawyer about asserting my parental rights. Whatever I had to do to ensure I’d be involved in my child’s life, I’d do.
I walked into attorney Jeannette Schmidt’s office the next day determined to show Trina and anyone else who thought I didn’t have it in me to be a good dad, just how serious I could be. Jeannette was a couple years older than me. In high school, Wyatt and I had lusted after her, although Wyatt had been the one to win her during her senior year when he and I were sophomores.
“Hey Ryder, how are you?” she asked as she greeted me.
“Good.” I don’t know why I said that except it was an automatic response. Truth was, I felt fucking horrible.
I was so pissed at Trina and at the same time so incredibly miserable that I’d lost her. Except I never really had her, I reminded myself.
“What can I help you with?” she asked as I took a seat in her office.
“I need advice on asserting my legal rights as a father.”
She quirked a brow. “You have a child?”
“Not yet. She’s pregnant and I want to make sure she can’t keep me away from the baby.”
She sat back. “It sounds like things have gone south in the relationship.”
I don’t know if they were ever north. “At the moment, things are contentious.”
“Well, in Nebraska we have the Biological Father Registry. Does she want to place the baby for adoption?”
“What? No.” At least I didn’t think so. I couldn’t imagine Trina putting the baby up for adoption, and yet, I wondered if she was capable of loving a child. After last night, I was convinced she was incapable of loving me and perhaps anyone, although until now I hadn’t considered she might not want the baby. With that said, she spoke of preparing for having a child, so I had to assume she planned to raise the baby.
“The registry is designed to notify potential fathers of legal cases regarding their child. Are you sure you’re the father? You can request a paternity test when the child is born.”
“I’m sure.” At least that I knew for certain.
“How far along is she?”
I didn’t know for sure, but it couldn’t be that far long considering we’d only been together for a month. “A few weeks, maybe.”
“Okay. So, there’s time. You can sign a Voluntary Acknowledgment of Paternity with the birth mother in front of a notary. It can be sent to vital records so you’ll be included on the birth certificate. If she’s not willing to do that, we can file a paternity petition. You’d need to do a DNA test then, but that would establish paternity if it came back with you as the father.”
I sat back, all of a sudden feeling so fucking sad at the state of things. My child wasn’t even born yet and I was in a lawyer’s office fighting for my rights.
“These things tend to be done just before or right after the child is born,” she said. “If you do this, it means you’re taking legal responsibility for the child. That includes child support—”
“You don’t think I can take care of my child?” Jesus, did everyone think I was a loser?