"Going to tell the captain to take us back to shore." His voice reminded me from before we started this relationship. Professional. Distant. No that wasn't quite right. Because before his tone was at least friendly. But now I could hear the contempt in his voice. "Please Ryan, please believe me, I was going to tell you. I know it was wrong to wait. I just couldn't seem to find the right time or the right words. Sort of like how you were finding it hard to ask me to marry you."
He let out a derisive laugh that shocked me a little bit. "You can't possibly compare the two."
Maybe he was right. In the end, I should've told him no matter what. I regretted that and every time I failed to tell him, I regretted it.
Once he'd gotten his shoes back on, he stopped and looked at me. "I really don't know what I was thinking."
My heart sank because I knew the end was coming.
"I can't believe after everything we've been through that you didn't tell me about the baby." He shook his head. "I should've listened to my instincts in the beginning and never let myself get involved."
My heart tore in two at his words.
He started towards the door but then stopped and turned back. Pointing a finger at me he said, "I don't know what you were thinking or planning Kellie, but you won't be keeping me from this child. I will provide for you and the baby. But I'm not going to be one of those dads who just has visitations whenever it's convenient for you. There will be a custody arrangement where I have an active role in raising this child."
"Yes of course. I would never try to keep the child from you Ryan, really."
He gave me a curt nod and then he left the room. I wanted to go after him, but my legs wouldn't move. Besides what would I say? He was right in that I should've told him sooner. And I could see what he felt betrayed and hurt that I hadn't. I didn't know how to convince him that I wasn't trying to keep the child from him. I just hadn't had the guts to say anything and ruin all the wonderful moments I was having with him.
The roar of the engine came on and the boat began to move turning in the water as it headed back toward the shore. I found the strength to get out of the bed and put my clothes back on. I was sure my hair was a mess and my makeup was probably askew, but I didn't look in the mirror. I didn't want to see the woman that for one minute had everything she ever wanted, and in the next lost it all.
29
Ryan
I was numb as I headed up the stairs buttoning my shirt and making my way to the bridge. I reached the captain and ordered him to take us back to shore. The way his eyes widened at my tone made me realize that I wasn't numb. I was pissed.
She betrayed me. The question was why. Was this all part of some elaborate plan? When I asked her to participate in this fake marriage, did she come up with a scheme to trap me into a real marriage?
"If I wanted to trap you, I would've told you about the baby," she had said. That made sense, and at the same time it could have just been a convenient answer.
Maybe the pregnancy really was an accident, but that didn't mean she was going to use it to get ahead. She had to know that I would give her money to care for the baby.
I suppose in some ways it helped answer the question about how I felt about her. Right now I felt completely gutted. Like I handed her my heart on the platter, and then she carelessly squashed it.
I suppose I couldn't completely blame her. She was right in that I didn’t use a condom and I hadn’t asked her about birth control. So, an accidental pregnancy was just as much my fault as it was hers. But for her to know about the baby for weeks and not say a word, that felt like a stab in the heart. I thought back over all the things we've done over the last few weeks; walks on the beach, romantic dinners, short weekend trips once to Carmel and another time to Yosemite. How many times did we make love and lay together, talking, and not once did it occur to her to tell me that she was pregnant? That I was going to be a father?
As the yacht turned and headed back to shore I stepped out into the cool night breeze. I stood at the bow trying to suck in air in an attempt to re-inflate my lungs that stopped breathing the moment I realized she lied to me.
"Ryan?" Her voice was soft from behind me. I gripped the rail, willing myself not to turn around. There was nothing she could say, nothing she could do to make up for this ultimate betrayal.
"We need to talk about this." She stood next to me but didn't touch me, which was just as well because I would have shied away. As it was, I had to take a step to the side, wanting to avoid her scent.
"There's nothing to talk about. It's not like you told a white lie. You've known you were pregnant for weeks and didn't tell me about it. In all the quiet moments we had. All the times I thought we were sharing about ourselves, and you didn't utter one word."
She took a breath looking out over the lights of San Diego growing larger as we drew closer. "If the situation was reversed, what would you have done? You said this was friends with benefits, no strings. Just a temporary fling until we got each other out of our systems."
This time I did turn to the side and looked down at her, my mouth agape. "I’d have told you. Because while we might not have made a commitment at the time, the key word in friends with benefits is friends."
She flinched slightly and her lips trembled. I looked back over the water not wanting to be affected by her tears.
"There's no way I can win," she said softly.
"As far as I can tell, we've both lost."
Her back straightened and she held her chin up as if she was garnering strength. Then with the breath she turned to me and pulled off the ring I’d just put on her finger less than an hour ago and held it out to me, dropping it in my hand when I extended it toward her.
"I should have told you. I admit that I did that wrong. But if you really meant that friends with benefits means that we were friends, it also means that you should have trust in me. You should know that I'm not the type of woman who would keep a child from a man or that would use a child to get a man or to get his money or whatever it is you think I've done." She walked away leaving me at the bow alone.