"Liar," Noah said. Fortunately, he didn't say anything more.
My father was able to get the discussion on to other things, including his physical therapy and his prognosis for getting out onto the waves again. He hoped to get as much rehab from Jess as he could to get back on the water asap. I was glad to see him optimistic about his chances of a full recovery. After my mother died, there was a time when I didn't think he'd ever really live again. So, the fact that he wasn't letting this get him down was encouraging to me.
As we got up to leave, my father called my name and asked if I might stay a little bit longer. I agreed to stay with only a niggle of worry about what he wanted to talk about. My father wasn’t one to pry in our private lives.
I went inside and got us a snack and then brought it back out and sat with him to enjoy the day.
"Is there something that you need beyond what Jess can get you?" I asked, handing him a new drink. "Maybe some modifications on the house or equipment?"
My father shook his head. "I'm experiencing pain but I'm seeing my way through it. Jess pushes me when I need to be pushed, but she's also patient. And the truth is, after losing your mother, the pain I feel now is minimal in comparison."
That was the exact reason why I was going to avoid Natalie. Of all the women I'd seen in the last few years, Natalie was the only one that haunted me when I slept and drew me to her during the day. There was too much risk that I could fall for her, and having already suffered the loss of my mother and other heart ache, I didn't want to put myself in a position to be like my father, living the rest of his life with a hole in my heart.
"Your grandmother has some concerns about the relationship you're having with Ry
an's sister-in-law."
I tried not to roll my eyes and I scanned my brain for a way to move on from this conversation.
"She asked me to talk to you about it, but that's not really what I want to talk to you about. Who you spend time with, or who you fall in love with—"
"I'm not in love."
My father studied me for a moment. "Well, I'll admit I'm a little disappointed to hear that. I know what happened to you in the past, and I suspect that's why you're so adamant about never falling in love again. I know the feeling. But there's nothing in life so sweet as being with someone you love. As difficult as losing your mom was, knowing what I know now, I'd still go back and do it all over again. She gave me so much joy and happiness when she was with me, and she gave me you four boys, I wouldn't want to ever miss out on that."
"The difference is I don't really know what I would be missing. It's not like I'm walking away from something like you and mom had." Plus, it was slightly different. I’m sure my mother truly loved my father. She hadn’t been duping him.
"Well, that's just it, Hunter. You know that in business, there can be no reward without risk. Now I don't know if Kellie’s sister is the woman for you, but you're always going to miss out on the possibility of a woman being able to bring you the joy and the wonder of life like your mother brought me if you fight to keep it away."
"I’d think that you of all people would understand that it's not easy to put yourself out there knowing how much there is to lose. And to be honest, dad, I haven't noticed you getting back in the saddle." I knew it was an asshole thing to do to my father, but it was a bit hypocritical for him to tell me to get back in the game when he hadn’t and probably never would.
“I admit my hypocrisy in what I'm saying to you. On the other hand, it's not quite the same. You haven't experienced a love like I had with your mother and while yes, the loss of her has been devastating in my life. She meant everything to me. I want that kind of love for you Hunter. I want you to find a woman who loved me the way your mother did. And yes, it is a risk. And you may have your heart broken many more times before you find her, but I can tell you, the risk is worth it."
My father closed his eyes and tilted his head up to the sun, letting the warm rays heat his face. "I’m going to tell you something I've never told anybody. When I met your mother, in a lot of ways, I was like you. I had sowed my oats a little bit, and I dated a couple of women who then turned around and squashed my heart like it was a bug." He gave out a little laugh, which surprised me because I knew first-hand getting your heart squashed like a bug wasn't funny.
"The truth of the matter is, Hunter, I had no choice but to fall for your mom. My heart dragged me kicking and screaming into that relationship and thank God that it did. And I won't deny that losing her crushed my soul. It's not something I've ever completely recovered from as I know you are aware of. But when I look at you boys, I see parts of her in all of you. And it brings me such joy to see her living through you. In a couple of months Kellie and Ryan are going to have a child, and your mom will live on through that baby as well, and it fills my heart with such joy."
I looked down because it was hard not to be swayed by the power of my father's words and honest conviction about the power of love and the enduring legacy of my mother. But I couldn't imagine putting myself out there and risking what my father was asking me to risk.
"Now, like I said Kellie’s sister may not be the one for you, but I would encourage you to open your heart to the possibility of love because there's nothing better, Hunter. There really isn't anything better than that."
That evening as I drove home, I thought about everything that my father had been saying to me. It wasn’t that I didn't want to have what he and my mother had, or even what Ryan and Kellie had. My reluctance was that I was too much of a coward to take the risk. There wasn't just the possibility of getting my heart squashed, but also having to experience humiliation and embarrassment. Already Natalie and I had been exposed in an embarrassing way. Having had to endure that before, I didn't want to do it again.
On the other hand, I had to concede that there was a part of me that was powerless to get Natalie out of my system. I tried to resist her, and then I tried to indulge in her, I was working to get her out of my system. And now I was trying to resist her again and that wasn't working either as all I wanted to do was drive over to her apartment to see her.
The thing that really made me hesitant about pursuing something with Natalie was the fact that I was helplessly drawn to her. She, more than any woman I'd ever met, had the power to bring me to my knees. And despite what my father said about love being worth it, I wasn’t sure I had the courage to take that risk.
And at the same time, I discovered that I wanted nothing more than what my father said love can bring. I needed to make a decision. I pulled out my phone and texted Natalie.
22
Natalie
Every time I felt sad over the fact that Hunter and I weren't seeing each other anymore, I chastised myself for it. This was supposed to be a no strings relationship, and as cocky and difficult as Hunter could be, I ended up falling for the big galoot.
I told myself to be grateful that he had the strength to stay away, even though it added to my sadness that he could. While a string of my heart had tethered to his, clearly he hadn't felt the same about me.
So, I was surprised when I got the text from Hunter that afternoon, giving me the name of the hotel and the room number. Was this the official we can't see each other anymore meeting? Or had he changed his mind and wanted to continue? I knew what I wanted the answer to be, but I also knew that for both our sakes, he probably should be delivering the breakup line.