“I told you that I didn't want to do any of this, and I just ended up having sex."
"First, you kissed me. Second, you never told me that you didn't want to see me, you just said you worried about my dad, who, by the way, doesn’t have a problem with us. What you haven’t told me is why you are so resistant to me. You don't mind Noah pretending to hit on you. And I know that you are quite amiable with my brothers. But for some reason with me, you treat me like I'm a jerk."
"I told you that I didn't want to risk my job,"
"And I'm telling you your job isn't risked. So, what is the real reason?"
I pulled up in front of a little bungalow that had the house number she’d given me, and parked the car.
"I don't have to explain anything to you, Carter. I'm sorry the way things turned out.”
Jesus, she really knew how to hit a man where it hurt. I looked at her closely. She looked like Jess, but she was nothing like the woman I’d fallen head over heels for.
“I really shouldn't have had sex with you, and I regret that I've now hurt your feelings. But I've been pretty clear since the beginning that Mexico is in our rearview mirror." She opened the door, stepping out and shutting it before I could respond.
I watched her walk up the sidewalk and into the front door. I considered getting out and following her because it seemed like there was so much more to say. At least, I had things to say and there were certainly still things I wanted to learn, but it was clear that she didn't want to talk about it. So, I put the car in gear, and I headed towards home.
I drove back to the Golden Hill area of San Diego, the historic section filled with Victorian homes. When I had bought my hundred-year old Victorian-style home, many in the family thought I was old nuts to buy such a large home for only one person. But the house was beautiful and at the same time comfortable. There was a sense of history, but also it was homey. The only thing it lacked was a family living in it. There had been a moment recently where I’d imagined eventually having Jess sharing the house with me, and maybe even filling it up with kids. Right now, that dream had died.
I really wanted to know what was going on with Jess. Was it because of Reggie? I felt like I had a right to know, but in the end I didn't think it was going to matter. She seemed hell-bent to not seeing if what we had four years ago could be rekindled today.
I needed to accept that and move on, but I wasn't sure how I was going to. In the four years since I'd last seen Jess, no woman had affected me the way she had. And then from the moment I'd seen her again, all those same feelings resurfaced.
What were the odds that moving on, I'd be able to find another woman who fit with me just as well as Jess did? Perhaps I was going to end up rattling around in this large old house by myself for the rest of my life. That thought depressed me, and also made me feel pathetic.
Maybe I needed to consider selling the home and instead investing in something a little bit smaller. I wondered if Hunter was going to sell his loft and buy a house for him and Natalie. The loft was spacious enough, and more affordable than this home.
Or, maybe with the company's expansion into Europe and next into Asia, I could look at opening an office in one of the locations and moving there.
When I'd come home from my last trip abroad, I was committed to staying home for a while to be with my dad, but he was making a good recovery, so maybe the best way to distract myself and to get over Jess would be to plan another trip.
12
Jess
I was a complete and total batch. I was a terrible person for treating Carter the way that I had. What sort of woman had glorious sex with a man who was so sweet and kind, and then turned around and made him feel like crap? Apparently, I was that kind of woman.
But I was completely freaked out by how quickly my emotions ran away with me and I gave myself over to him. I remembered feeling overwhelmed by it all four years ago, but I knew I wouldn't be swept away by it because it had an ending date. This time I felt a little bit like I was swept up in a tsunami, and I couldn't let that happen. I wanted to. I wanted to see what Carter and I could become. I could see a hint of promise in his eyes that I wanted to latch onto for me and Tanner.
But there was so much at stake. And because I wasn't thinking clearly, I had immediately withdrawn and in fact been angry. But my anger hadn't been at Carter, as I could tell he assumed. It was at me for letting myself get wrapped up in him.
As I came into the door, Reggie put her finger up to her lips, letting me know I needed to be quiet. Tanner must be asleep, which was another reason to feel guilty because I hadn't been there to say good night. Feeling completely demolished, I sank onto the sofa, leaning my head back and closing my eyes to prevent tears from falling.
"What's wrong?" Reggie asked from the little desk in the corner where she worked.
"I'm a terrible person."
"This sounds like you need wine, I'll be right back."
I definitely didn't need more to drink, but I was happy to have a moment with Reggie rattling around in the kitchen, so I had time to gather my thoughts together.
Reggie came back out with two glasses and a bottle of wine. She poured the glasses and handed one to me. I took the glass, but didn't drink.
"So, spill it. What happened," Reggie asked, sitting on the couch and tucking her legs underneath her, settling in like she thought I would have a long story to tell.
For the moment I considered coming up with some abridged exclamation explanation of what it happened tonight, but the truth was I needed help.
"Remember when I told you about that cruise to Mexico?"