But I wasn't able to accept that. Not yet anyway. So, I gathered up my reports and shoved them into my briefcase. As soon as I was assured that I wouldn't be taking away from what my father needed in his care, I would set my plan with Jess in motion.
16
Jess
"Now, slowly and gently come out of downward facing dog, bringing the knees down and then going into child's pose," I said to Alex as we ended our yoga exercise for the day. I moved with him, but I had one eye
on him, watching as he did as I instructed. "Now bring your forehead, but not your nose or chin, to the mat with your hands extended ahead of you and focus on your breath. With each inhale, feel your breath, as it's filling your lungs, slide along your spine as we release the back."
"I'm not sure if this one or the dead one, are my favorite," Alex’s muffled voice said.
I laughed. "Corpse pose is nice too," I agreed.
After today, my visits would be less frequent. I would stop by for an hour or so a couple days a week, but that would be it. I was going to miss coming here, partly because Alex was such a great client, and the location couldn't be beat especially for something like yoga.
On the other hand, not coming all the time would be good in terms of reducing my chances of seeing Carter. But even just thinking that made me feel guilty and sad, a sure sign that I wasn't just doing something against what I wanted, but that what I was doing was wrong. I would make everything right, eventually. At least that's what I told myself each time I put off what needed to be done.
My guilt was often made even worse when I realized I wasn't keeping Tanner just from having a father like Carter, but also a grandfather like Alex, and a great-grandmother like Margaret. Even Carter's brothers, for all their quirks and faults, I knew that they would do right by Tanner.
The tension ratcheted up in my body, and taking my own words as cues, I focused on my breathing and releasing the tension. I needed to focus on my client, not on my own personal problems.
Alex's phone started to ring, or actually it was a song with lyrics that said, “I'm a ramblin man.”
Alex lifted his head and looked at me. "That's Carter." He started to get up and I quickly moved to help him.
"Why don't you let it go to voicemail?" I didn't like coming out of a yoga session and having to jump right into the craziness of life again.
"When I got my boys cell phones for the first time, I told them anytime they called I would answer. Now after all these years, I still always answer. Besides, it might possibly be him telling me he's about to ramble on again. I swear that boy has no grass growing under his feet."
My heart lurched into my throat at the idea that Carter might be leaving again. Had he finally accepted that he wasn't going to win me over? The disappointment I felt at that was a sure sign that I needed to do something different.
"Hey Carter," Alex said when he answered his phone. He was quiet for a minute. "Is it serious?" There was another long silence. "Yes, I can give you Jess's number but she's right here if you want to talk to her."
It was so strange how in one moment I could feel so bereft at the idea of his leaving, and the next moment, I worried about having to talk to him and see him.
Alex held up the phone to me. "Carter's had some sort of accident where he needs to rehab his knee. I think he's hoping you might help them."
I took the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey Jess, I'm sorry to interrupt you with my dad," Carter said.
I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice. I wondered if I'd ever get over missing it.
"I had a freak accident, and have a meniscus tear. The doctor says I need to have some physical therapy before I can resume my physical activities. I was hoping maybe you might be able to come over and take a look. Help me with it."
My mind flashed with memories of Carter when we were in Mexico. He was fearless. Zip lining, jumping off cliffs into the water, hiking rugged terrain. I could only imagine what a bummer it would be to be sidelined from all the activities he enjoyed doing.
"I'm just about finished with your dad here. I can stop by on my way home, if you like.” I wasn't going to promise to be his physical therapist, but I could look at the injury and maybe give him a few suggestions until he could find a regular physical therapist.
"Thank you so much, Jess, I really appreciate it." He rattled off his address and we hung up the phone.
"Think you'll like Carter's house,” Alex said as we finished and I packed up my things. "The boy has always been sort of an enigma. He loves to travel and adventure near and far, but he bought himself a large house built to hold a large family." Alex shook his head. "I've always hoped he would find the woman that would make him want to stay home and fill that house up."
A shiver ran through me at Alex's words. "I got the sense that Carter's wanderlust trumped settling down and having a family." After all, didn't I hear him tell Noah that?
"I don’t believe that for a minute. He's young and rich, physically strong, so yes of course he's going to want to travel. But I’ll be honest, of all my boys, Carter's the one that I thought would settle down first. Carter has this wonderful way of finding adventure in just about anything. I know he sees marriage and kids that way."
Alex's words felt like a message from the universe that it was time for me to come clean with Carter. The truth was whether or not he wanted to settle down, he had every right to know about Tanner.