I shifted uncomfortably because she was right. "I'll be earning this money."
"I think you're playing with fire, Jess. And I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure how you're able to sleep at night knowing you're keeping that little boy from his father, and his father from that sweet little boy." She stood and went to the kitchen.
My defenses went up and I wanted to confront her, but of course she was right. She wasn't saying anything that my own self conscience hadn't told me.
The next morning Tanner was particularly difficult. He alternated between raging at me and crying and begging me to stay. I wondered how other mothers dealt with this in their children. I felt guilty for leaving him, but I didn't have a choice. I had to work. If it wouldn't be with Carter, it would be for somebody else. I couldn’t stay home and be a full-time mom, although I had told Tanner I’d have a couple of days with him before moving on to a new client. I felt bad about going back on that and Tanner made it worse by crying like I ripped his heart out, and then in the next breath telling me he hated me. It was emotionally exhausting.
Reggie assured me that he would settle down once I left, but I felt guilty for leaving her with Tanner to deal with.
Guilt. My life was consumed by it from all sides. Tanner, Reggie and of course, Carter.
I managed to pull it together on my drive to Carter's house. When I arrived, I focused on the task at hand and hoped that perhaps I might be able to leave a little bit early today so I could make it up to Tanner.
Carter greeted me at the front door with a smile that, as usual, made my heart twist into funny knots. He was wearing a T-shirt and shorts that showed off all his perfect muscles. Even the pair of crutches didn’t take away from the magnificent species of man he was.
"You're right on time. Would you like some coffee?"
"That would be nice," I said.
"Follow me." On his crutches, he hobbled along the stairwell, towards the back of the house. We entered into a large, warm kitchen. Carter's father was right, the home was very large and lovely, yet empty.
"Why do you have such a big house?" I asked.
For a minute I thought I might've offended him, but he laughed. "You sound like my family. This is a great house. Yes, it's bigger than what I need now but it's got an amazing history, it's beautifully built, and I like it here."
“I thought you traveled a lot. Isn’t it left vacant while you’re gone?"
He shrugged. "I've got great neighbors, and I have people that come over and check on it for me now and again. Besides, after my last trip, I decided I would stay home more for my dad."
"Your dad is nearly all healed. Does that mean you'll be traveling again?" It was really shameful how, on the one hand, I wanted his answer to be yes to relieve me of my duty to tell him about Tanner. On the other hand, the more I was with him, the more I wanted to spend time with him.
He shrugged as he poured us each a mug of coffee, and then handed me one. "Milk or sugar?"
I shook my head.
"I suppose I could travel again. Right now, there are some things keeping me here, but I guess we'll see how those go."
I felt a flutter along my lower spine as I wondered if I was the thing that was keeping him here. Could that be possible? He told Noah that he wouldn't settle down or get married, but maybe he changed his mind?
"Out back I have a pool if that's something that could be helpful in my rehabilitation. And like I said, I know my dad likes to swim so he could meet you here too for his sessions." He put his coffee mug down in the sink. "I’ll give you a tour of the downstairs if you like and show you the gym."
"That would be great." I put my coffee mug in the sink as well.
He led the way out of the kitchen and continued down a long hall where he stopped at a room.
“This is where I'm staying for the time being, so I don’t have to deal with the stairs," he said.
I looked into the room with a large bed, a dresser, and a side table with a paperback on it. It made me wonder what he liked to read. "What is this room normally used for?"
"When the home was originally built this room along with another one over there were servant’s quarters. I think this one was probably the Butler's room because it's rigged with a bell. Until recently, I just had it as a guest room, although, like you said, since I travel, I don't have very many guests. My father says this will be his room when he visits once I start filling this house with kids."
My gaze shot to him. "Is that something you're planning?"
He leaned against the door jamb. "Well, someday, sure. My dad is dying to be a grandfather. He's frequently talking about it, but as you know I don't currently have any prospects. Fortunately, my brother Ryan and his wife Kellie are expecting a baby soon. My dad is so excited to finally have his first grandchild."
His first grandchild. Tears welled in my eyes because Alex already had a first grandchild. A first grandchild that begged me to stay home and then raged at me when I walked out the door. The child that meant everything to me, and yet I was deceiving him.
The emotions of the morning welled up and I couldn't keep it locked down. It burst out crying.