eren't about love and cherishing. No. These were feelings of anger and betrayal. "You were never going to tell me, were you?"
28
Jess
Carter looked shocked but also, as he watched Tanner, there was a sense of wonder and pride in his eyes that made my regret of not telling him sooner even greater.
But when he turned to look at me, the love in his eyes that he had towards his son that he'd only just met, morphed into something dark.
"You were never going to tell me, were you?"
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Of course he would think that because I had taken so long to tell him the truth. And there was a time that I didn't want him to know. Part of it was to protect Tanner. But if I was completely honest, part of it was because I was selfish and didn't want to share.
"I was going to tell you. In fact, I was going to do it today. I was getting Tanner ready and we were going to go over to your house."
"You’re lying to me." He let out a derisive laugh. "You’re a hypocrite. You treated me like I was an asshole for pretending to be hurt, and the whole time you were keeping me from knowing about my son."
I quickly turned to look at Tanner because I didn't want him to hear me and Carter quarreling. But Tanner was laying on the floor, rolling his fire truck into an ambulance while making crashing sounds.
I looked back at Carter. "You're right. I am a hypocrite."
As if he realized that Tanner could be listening, he lowered his voice and leaned a little closer to me. "What did I ever do to deserve being kept for my son?"
My heart cracked at the emotion I heard in his voice. I was the worst person in the world for hurting him.
"I just had to be sure. I was trying to protect Tanner."
He jerked back and his eyes narrowed angrily. "From me? What the fuck have I ever done to make you think I would hurt a little boy?"
"Um, you set a bad word," Tanner said.
Regina appeared. "Why don't I take him outside for a little bit while you two work this out?"
"Yes, thank you, Reggie." I waited until Reggie escorted Tanner out to the backyard.
My hands were shaking as I walked over and sat on the couch and tried to sort my thoughts in a way that Carter might understand. But the truth was that there was no way for him to understand my choices. They had been bad choices. Choices that explained would only serve to hurt him more. But he deserved the truth, so that's what I would give him.
"When I first saw you at your dad's house, I was surprised and confused and didn't know how to say anything at that point. And then after that I was worried about your reaction. Would you be angry? Would you believe me? Would you abandon Tanner —"
It was hard to imagine Carter could look angrier than he already did, but his face reddened. "You really think so little of me? You think that I would abandon my own son? I was ready to give you the fucking world just. Having a son would've been perfection. Everything I ever wanted."
I looked down. "You told Noah that you had no intentions of ever getting married or having a family."
When Carter didn't say anything right away, I looked up at him, and his face was contorted into confusion, as if he didn't remember ever saying that.
Finally, he looked at me and said, "Even if that were true, that doesn't give you the right to keep my son from me."
"Maybe not, but I was thinking of Tanner."
"You think I'm the sort of man that would just walk away from his responsibilities?"
"No, I don't think you're a man who will walk away from his responsibilities. But Tanner deserves more than a father who is simply there because of duty."
I could see the tension radiating on Carter as he started to pace, clearly not liking my words.
He stopped and glared at me. "Who are you? Because the woman I met four years ago would never accuse me of the things you seem to think I am today. Everything I have done with you since seeing you again is the complete opposite of what you think I am. And so, the only thing I can think is that you were either not yourself four years ago and the woman I fell in love with doesn't exist, or you've changed."
I grappled with what I should tell him. In the end I figured at this point the only thing I could do was go with the truth. He deserved that after everything I put him through. "Sometimes I don't recognize myself either."