Mehmed dropped his hand from Radu’s arm. “I did not ask you here to help me with Lada!”
“Then why did you?” Radu turned to face him.
“Because!” Mehmed wrapped his own arms around himself, shrinking. “Because I am building an empire, and turning this city into the jewel of the world, and becoming the sultan my people need. And it is so lonely.” His voice broke on the last word.
Gone was the cold assurance of the sultan, the calculating intelligence that last year had sent Radu away as a spy. The untouchable Hand of God was replaced by the boy at the fountain. The friend of Radu’s youth. The foundation of his heart. Radu opened his arms, and Mehmed fell into him, burying his face in Radu’s shoulder.
Radu held him close, taking his own deep, shuddering breaths.
“I need you,” Mehmed whispered.
“I am here,” Radu answered.
* * *
“Halil amassed too much power.” Mehmed was on the floor of his private chamber, lying on his back and staring up at the ceiling. Radu lay next to him, shoulder to shoulder. No sultan
and bey. Just Mehmed and Radu. “My father was too permissive, too willing to let others take over much of the business of running the empire. It led to corruption and waste and weakness. So I keep myself separate, let no one think they have a greater portion of my ear or my confidence. Soon I will have a palace complex made, all the rooms and walls circling out in rings from the center. I will be there, and everyone else will revolve around me. Just as I am at the center of the empire, and everyone else exists to serve the empire through me.”
“It does sound lonely,” Radu said softly.
“It is. And it will be. But I cannot put my own needs ahead of the needs of my people. They need a strong sultan. They need me to be the Hand of God, not a mere man. And so I must set aside the things that I want, my own comforts and relationships, to be what my people deserve.”
Radu thought of his own life, of the things he had sacrificed to be the person others needed him to be. Most often to be the person Mehmed needed him to be. Could he do the same as Mehmed? Set aside the things he wanted—the things of his heart—for the good of the empire?
He closed his eyes. He did not know where his heart was anymore. He could not set aside something he could not find.
“I want you to stay here with me,” Mehmed said, his voice tugging Radu back. “Be my friend in the midst of the madness.”
Radu knew he should say yes. He should not ruin this closeness. But he had spent so much of his life pretending. He did not wish to any longer. “You know what people will say. What they already thought. If I am back at your side, Halil’s old rumors will resurface.” Radu felt Mehmed’s head turn toward him, felt Mehmed’s dark gaze heavy on his cheek. Swallowing against the emotion pounding in his chest, Radu turned his own head toward Mehmed’s, their lips a breath apart. Mehmed was watching him, his dark eyes careful and searching.
“Let them say what they will. They cannot harm me, and I will not let them harm you.”
“And Lada?” Radu asked, dragging his sister into the space between them, where she always was.
Mehmed frowned. He looked back up at the ceiling, but linked his arm with Radu’s. The move felt very deliberate, like a step in a dance. “We three were always meant to be together. I have you. She will come back to us.”
“You want her to? Even after that?”
Mehmed’s silence was answer enough. He would forgive her this murder of his envoy. Radu should have been surprised. He was not.
“And if she does not come back to us?”
“Well.” Mehmed let the word hang heavy in the air above them. “At least I will always have you.”
“I am the prettier one, after all.”
Mehmed’s laugh filled the room. It used to fill Radu, too, until he could feel it in his veins. But the feelings he had now were echoes of the ones he had before. He did not know if they would grow again.
Mehmed laced his fingers through Radu’s and Radu lay still beside him, thinking of how often he had imagined what that would feel like.
He had been wrong. Time had taken even this from him, because with Mehmed’s fingers tangled in his own, he remembered another finger tracing wounds on his hands. Gray eyes in place of dark ones. The love he had found when his first love had been lost.
Now Cyprian was lost. Would his feelings for Mehmed return?
Did he want them to?
Bulgaria