The windows quickly fog up, sealing us in the dim, warm interior. I turn my head so I’m looking at Leo. With the light fading and his face in profile, he looks like himself. I want to talk more about why he didn’t come back. I should ask him about what my power was like when he held it, if he can help me figure out why it feels different. But I don’t want to do any of that. I want to be a normal girl sitting in a car with a cute guy. Like a date. At the cemetery. To have a tense exchange of stolen goods with my sister. Total normal girl stuff.
I know I’m avoiding facing my problems, but I’m tired of life and death, of darkness and threats. I got Leo back. Maybe I’ll get Artemis back too. And then things can be normal and I can stop feeling terrified that I’ll lose someone else, or feeling so angry that I’m terrified I’ll lose myself.
“Have you ever met a chaos demon?” I ask.
“One, in Brazil. He didn’t speak English, but I think he had a crush on my mom.” Leo smiles, but his smile fades as quickly as it appeared, the weight of his mother’s memory too heavy.
Must change the subject. “Did I tell you we almost let a Roehrig demon into Sanctuary? We thought he was a half-Brachen demon. Turns out he was just wearing a half-Brachen’s skin. That was messy.”
“What did he want?”
“Dinner.”
“Did you—”
“No, Jade and Rhys were the ones who met with him. Honestly, I probably would have brought him home. But Rhys knows his demons and realized something was off. Plus, Rhys isn’t as trusting as I am.” I scowl, thinking about how Rhys is anti-Leo.
“He’s not wrong.” Leo’s voice is soft. “His first duty is to protect all of you. Listen, I don’t want to make things complicated. I never did. That’s why I—”
“Doug and Jade are dating,” I blurt, not wanting to give Leo the chance to tell me why he shouldn’t be at the castle. I’m keeping him. I’m not letting anyone else go.
“That’s … something.”
“Yeah, I guess it’s complicated. He’s worried she’s using him for his skin secretions.”
Leo makes an appropriately horrified face and I laugh.
“I know. I never thought interspecies relationship counseling would be part of the deal when I decided to make Sanctuary. But here we are. Although if Imogen starts dating one or all of the tiny purple demons, I’m out. She can handle that on her own.”
“I can’t imagine Imogen dating anyone.”
“Me neither, actually.” Imogen is so self-contained. She doesn’t really seem to need anyone at all. It would be weird to see her connect with someone on that level. I almost wonder why she stays. The rest of us are anchored—I have my mother, Rhys, and Cillian, not to mention being a Slayer. Rhys has Cillian and his grandmother Ruth and the library he would never give up. My mother could never be anything but a Watcher. Jade is staying for Doug, doubtless. The demons have nowhere else to go. But Imogen is in a similar position as Honora. The Watchers were never good to her. I wonder if she stays because she has nowhere else to go? She’s a bit of a mystery. But I hope she doesn’t leave, because I really like her cooking.
“What about you?” Leo says, deliberately not looking at me. “Any demon love interests?”
“Just the one.”
He glances at me and I can’t handle the hope and sadness in his dark eyes. If it were one or the other, I would know what to do or how to feel. My heart squeezes and my throat burns, warning me I might cry. So I deflect again. “I mean, hopefully just the one if things work out next week. I’m really into chaos demons. Love a good slime antler. Mmm.”
“Athena, I—”
“Nope. Whatever you’re going to say, I don’t care and it doesn’t matter. You’re back home. That’s what’s important. We’re gonna get you better, and once you’re healthy then I’m going to rip your head off for letting me think you were dead.”
“I want—”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t care what you want. I let Artemis have what she wanted, and now she …” My fists clench. “No. Nope. No. You might have thought you were being noble staying away, but you weren’t. It hurt. It hurt me so bad, and I’ve had to live with the guilt of killing you every single day since then, so no. I don’t care what you want. I don’t care about your feelings, or whether you think you’re doing the right thing. I’m a Watcher and a Slayer and you’re a half demon, so I’m doubly pulling rank on you. You’ll stay right here in the car while I go get our book from my sister and talk some sense into her. Then when I get back, we’ll drive to the castle, where you’re not going to stay in a stupid pantry anymore, you’re going to take a real room because you’re part of the castle and you’re not going anywhere. We still have a lot we need to talk about.”
He doesn’t look at me. “It’s the best thing if I don’t fight this. For everyone.”
“Wow. You’re being a selfish prick.”
He turns, shocked. “What?”
“You think you’re protecting us by giving up? Protecting me? I was devastated when I lost you. You were the only person who ever saw me for me. When no one else noticed me, or when they saw me as the lesser Jamison-Smythe twin, or when they only saw me as a disappointing Slayer. You’ve always seen me. I see you too. And yeah, you made bad choices. Really so super bad, and it’s okay for you to feel guilty about that. But you made them out of love. She was your mom. And she was kind of evil. But she was still your mom.”
I think about Artemis and how I’ve been lying to everyone to protect her. If I were a good Watcher, a good Slayer, if I were only those things, I could have and would have stopped her at the conference, or even in the library. But she’s my sister. And it’s so much more complicated than a vampire or a demon or anything else in the world.
Like my relationship with Leo. I think it might never be simple between us. But I don’t care. It’s worth fighting for, and so is he. “So reconcile what you did however you need to. Figure out how to come to peace with it. But you dying is not the right way. That wouldn’t fix what your mom did, or make the world a better place. It would just make it emptier, and with everyone and everything we’ve lost, isn’t it already empty enough?” The darkness inside me—the darkness I tried to channel, to feed, to ignore, all to no avail—seems like emptiness to me now. A gaping void that I can’t fill with violence and I can’t fill with happiness, and I’m so scared it’s going to devour me one of these days. “If I can figure out how to live with what’s inside me, can’t you do the same?”