The Chaos of Stars

“So stop being such a wimp about the potential for pain. If that’s how you’re going to live your life, you may as well be an empty room yourself. I like you. I want to be your friend, but I also want you in ways that are very much not just friendly. And I’m not going to apologize or pretend I don’t.”

I tip my head back and squeeze my eyes shut. Why is he forcing me to address this? We were fine. We were doing fine. I liked what we had. It was safe.

He pulls to a stop and I’m shocked to see we’re already back at Sirus’s.

“I get that you’re scared and that you’ve been hurt. But doing what is easy and safe is no way to live, and a life without passion and love is so far beneath what you deserve.”

His words hit me in the gut and my head spins. He’s right. I’ve been choosing alone because it’s safe and easy. It doesn’t mean that I’m stronger or smarter than everyone else. Just that I’m . . . scared. I’m letting all of the hurt I’ve had over the last few years keep me from moving forward.

I climb out robotically as Ry opens my door, avoiding his eyes. I am a coward.

“I hope you have good dreams tonight, Isadora,” he says, and the way my name leaves his mouth, it sounds like I should be as strong and brave as I used to think I was. It sounds like the part of myself that I left locked in my tomb isn’t as buried as I thought. It sounds like there’s a possibility for an Isadora who is strong and brave without being hard and closed off. Who is strong and brave and hopeful and open. Who is lovingly optimistic and forgiving.

It sounds terrifying.

I want to hear it again.

Sirus is on the couch when I drift inside, confused and exhausted.

It’s the middle of the night, but he’s sitting there folding pieces of clothing so tiny they can’t possibly be for a person, even a baby. He smoothes the wrinkles out of a creamy-white satin blanket, the look on his face a combination of wistful and tender.

I lean against the wall, so tired I want to sink into it and sleep forever. I have to be at the museum in three hours. I have to see Ry again in three hours. I don’t know what I’ll do. Tonight feels like it changed something. Maybe everything. Maybe nothing.

Sirus looks up and smiles at me.

“How can you love it already?” I ask. “The baby, I mean. You don’t even know what it is, much less who it is. But you love it.”

He pushes his thick-rimmed glasses back up where they slipped down his nose. “I don’t know. It’s funny, isn’t it? But I think Mom was right when she told me I’d have no idea how much she loved me until I had my own.”

“Floods, please don’t ever let me utter the words ‘Mom was right.’”

He laughs, and I walk the rest of the way into the room and curl up on the couch, staring at the floor.

“You all right, kiddo?”

“How are you okay with our parents? How can you be okay with them after what they did to us?”

He lets out a long breath. “You mean the death thing.”

I wipe under my eyes. Ry’s words echo through my head, that maybe they do love me,

just not the way I need. “How can they love us if they’d let us go like that? Shouldn’t they want to keep us forever? They could. I know they could. Stupid Whore-us is immortal, and Anubis. Why did they change the rules? Aren’t I—aren’t we good enough for them?”

“Oh, Isadora.” He sits next to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. “Didn’t you ever let Mom talk to you about it?”

“I’ve spent the last three years trying my best not to talk to her about anything.”

“You should have let her explain. She talked with me about it a lot. But I guess I never had the shock you did. You assumed immortality from all the stories. I kind of assumed I’d drop dead at any time, but it wasn’t a big deal to me.”

“How is death not a big deal?”

“Because it’s not the end. We have this life, we make it the best we can, and then we discover the next life.”

“Mother never did. Why should we die when she doesn’t?”

“Did you ever wonder why none of us live nearby or visit often?”

“Because Mother’s a crazy control freak and you couldn’t wait to get away.”