“Don’t question me,” the queen snapped.
Later, she sat in front of a mirror looking at her nose from every possible angle and being upset at each of them.
“I think she is an amazing princess,” the queen said to the king, who was trying to make his tummy look smaller. The princess had asked in an innocent tone whether large stomachs were fashionable in this kingdom, because they certainly weren’t in hers.
“You do?” the king asked.
“A queen should make everyone else feel inferior, and she is certainly skilled at that.”
“She is,” the king agreed.
Even though the second princess had such a marvelous queenly quality, the king and queen were both nervous the next morning. Would her skills at finding fault extend to the pea in the mattress?
In place of the princess, though, they were met by Jack. He carried a letter. It was neatly rolled and tied with an elegant bow.
Dear King and Queen,
While I’m certain your son is as lovely as your castle, I’m afraid neither is to my taste. Thank you so much for your overwhelming hospitality.
All best,
Princess Tuesday
“Is it just me,” said the king, “or do some of these words feel like she’s pinching us?”
The queen rubbed her rear end. “It isn’t just you. I don’t understand! Why did she leave?”
“She must have felt the pea! But why couldn’t she have stayed until she found out the good news? We’ve lost another one.” The king drooped sorrowfully.
The queen wouldn’t admit it, but she was relieved. If the first princess was more sensitive than she was, the second was certainly more critical than she was. And the queen did not like the idea of a daughter-in-law who was better than her.
Jack, still standing there because he hadn’t been dismissed, shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. “Maybe it’s the bed? It doesn’t seem very pleasant.”
“Oh, what would you know!” the queen growled. She looked Jack up and down, trying to find some way to make him feel bad about himself. “You’re just—you have—isn’t your face interesting?”
Jack brightened, smiling and standing straighter. “Thank you! My stepmother always told me so, too. She said an interesting face is better than a handsome one, because handsome faces don’t always mean handsome hearts, but interesting faces always mean interesting minds.”
The queen slumped in her throne, even her ruler’s spine wilted with disappointment. Jack obviously did not feel one bit bad about himself. “Oh, go eat the princess’s breakfast since she isn’t here. And then make the pease porridge for the other servants!”
“Can’t I make them something else?” Jack asked.
“Go now, or I’ll have you thrown in the dungeon!”
“There aren’t even enough servants to eat it! We still have leftovers from the last batch.”
“Then take the leftovers to the village and let the peasants eat it! They’ll be grateful.”
“I don’t think they will …” Jack muttered. But he did as he was told. He’d leave a batch for that rotten Jill, at least. It was the least he could do.
The third princess was their last hope. The princess from the next castle over was missing. (Poor, beautiful Snow White!) Every other princess in the area had rosy cheeks and massive eyes. They even looked like singers. It was the third princess, or none.
She arrived in the throne room without the customary two guards. She was even smaller than the first princess but decidedly less Tuesday-ish than the second one. The third princess looked like nothing so much as a detention, a time-out, or a grounding of epic proportion.
“Where are my soldiers?” the king asked, standing in a rage. “They aren’t doing their duty!”
“I had them thrown in the dungeon,” the princess said.
“You … what?”