Beanstalker and Other Hilarious Scarytales

“I didn’t like the way the first one smelled. And the second one almost smiled when my foot caught on a loose tile. He was definitely thinking about smiling. So I had them thrown in the dungeon.”

“But that’s my job!” the queen said.

The princess narrowed her eyes. “It’s very improper to speak to a princess before you have been introduced.”

The king and queen, thoroughly embarrassed, introduced themselves.

Supper was late. The cook, no longer having hands, had a hard time managing the meals. The princess had her thrown in the dungeon, along with the two servers.

“But you can’t have them locked up,” the king protested.

“The soup was cold, and the jellied eel tasted too much of jelly and eel.”

“Yes,” the queen agreed, “but what he means is, this is our castle. You can’t go throwing our servants into our dungeon.”

The princess narrowed her eyes. “I don’t like being disagreed with. I’m certain there’s more room in the dungeon.”

“Guards!” the queen screeched. “Someone! Anyone! Escort the princess to her room!”

Jack hurried into the dining hall.

“Don’t we have any other servants?” the king asked, frowning.

“Almost all of them are sick. Or in the dungeon.” Jack looked warily at the princess.

“Is the princess’s room ready? Did you … specially prepare it?” The queen was terrified that this princess would notice the pea, but she was more terrified to tell the princess to go home. Not only because she was their last chance, but also because she didn’t want the princess to get angry with her. And, after the more sensitive first princess, the second princess making everyone feel bad about themselves, and now this princess being better at throwing people in the dungeon, the queen was starting to wonder if she had any special talents, after all.

(I think the queen is a little off on her princessy priorities, but I hate being thrown in dungeons, so I’m not going to tell her so.)

Jack, who also hated being thrown in dungeons, nodded uneasily. “I did what you asked.”

“Good. Take her to her room. I hope you sleep … well?” The king looked at the queen, and she shrugged. She didn’t know what she wanted, either.

They didn’t have to wait until morning.

No sooner had Jack escorted the princess to her room than she came roaring back into the throne room.

“What is the meaning of this? I have never been so insulted in all my life!”

The queen tried to smile. “Was the mattress uncomfortable, dear?”

“Uncomfortable! It was disgusting!”

The king’s mouth trembled as he, too, tried to force a smile. “Good news! That means you are worthy of marrying our—”

“Into the dungeon with both of you!” the princess screamed, pointing at them.

Everyone stood there.

“Um,” Jack said, “they’re the king and queen. You can’t throw them into the dungeon.”

“I can and I will! I’ll throw all of you in the dungeon for this!”

“But don’t you want to marry our son?” the queen asked, wringing her hands in despair. She didn’t want to go to the dungeon. She didn’t have any good dungeon outfits, and she was certain it wouldn’t smell nice. Plus, she probably wasn’t the most popular person down there.

“After what you’

ve done to me? You’re lucky I don’t have you all executed! Now where are the guards?”