“No—”
“Wait—”
“Gods—” I reach out and place a hand over his mouth, silencing him. I nod toward the bench seat. “Sit. Please.”
He does as I ask. and I squeeze next to him. His eyes are focused down, but I touch his chin, lifting his gaze up. “I think we need to talk.”
“What I did…”
“Wasn’t by choice,” I tell him.
“Hildi,” he says, hands tensing, “I need you to let me speak.”
His tone is terse and laced with anger. I snap my jaw shut, realizing that yeah, I probably do need to let him get a word in.
He takes a deep breath and exhales. “The person you saw in the second circle…I’d like to tell you that wasn’t me. That I’d been overtaken by Lucifer’s magic or that it was some kind of illusion. It wasn’t. That was me. That is me.”
My mind flashes back to the concubines, the priest, the music and food.
“I’ve spent my lifetime, many lifetimes, regretting my upbringing. Fearing my desires.” His eyes pierce mine. “You revealed some of what I’d been hiding back at the Academy. But in the circle? I felt completely unleashed, like everything I’d been fighting against for so long was finally allowed to be free.”
My stomach twists anxiously. I knew something was bothering him, but this? This was more than I’d anticipated.
“Succumbing to that feeling—that desire—felt good. There’s no doubt Lucifer knew which circle was the perfect fit for my own weaknesses. When I woke up in that castle, it was like a do-over—of the life I once had. One, that back then, I feared. One, that currently, I could embrace.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “What are you saying?”
“Life there was on a loop. During the day we fought to expand the Kingdom. At night we celebrated.”
“With the concubines.” I told myself not to be jealous, but envy spikes in my veins.
“I could taste the fear of the concubines on my tongue from across the room.” He licks his bottom lip. “It wasn’t about sex, you know that don’t you? Back in that place it was never about sex. It was about power. Control.”
I laugh darkly. “It’s the Lust circle, Rupert, don’t pretend it wasn’t about sex.”
His eyebrow raises. “Would you believe me if I told you that each night, a female was left in my room and that each night, I released her?”
“Uh…” I’m stumped. Would I believe him? I know what I saw. I know what I was told. “Your attendants were very specific. You used and abused the concubines. They were terrified of you. They’d much prefer to pleasure your guests than you—because at least that way they’d live another day.”
“The females taken to my room were released because I needed the entire Kingdom to think I was harming them. I needed that fear to manage my façade.”
“You’re saying you had control over yourself there?” I shake my head in disbelief. “Armin had no control in the first circle. He was completely lost to that world.”
“I spoke to Armin,” he says. “He was completely lost because he was focused entirely on you. The opposite is true for me. I was completely in control because I was entirely focused on you.”
“What are you talking about, Rupert.” My head pounds with confusion. “I don’t blame you for what happened in there. I don’t need you to make excuses.”
He takes my hand and holds it against his taut stomach. “I felt you the whole time, Hildi. At first just a faint tug, later like a dog pulling on a leash. I knew I was waiting on someone. Someone special. Lust did consume me, Valkyrie, it made me laser-focused on someone coming for me. The actual, true desire, was triggered the instant you walked into my kingdom.”
“You recognized me?” I was sure he hadn’t.
“As Hildi Axel? No.” He laces our fingers together. “But my gut told me you were special. That the girl with no fear and eyes like ice, and skin that looked so soft I would perish if I couldn’t have you. The priest and my companions thought I was going to kill you right there—they believed the rumors of my barbaric actions. I didn’t plan on taking you right there and then, but that’s when the lust overtook me.” His lips form a line. “I apologize for that. For claiming you like an animal for my entire court to see.”
“There’s no need to apologize. I felt it, too. I wanted it. I wanted you, so badly.” I crawl
onto my knees so I’m closer to his face. “I wanted to break you from the spell so I could bring you back to us.”
He runs a hand down my side, once again reaching for my hand. He thumbs the ring. “I never left, and I assure you, that I never will. The bond between us is greater than these rings. It affixed long before we entered Lucifer’s realm and it will stand long after we stop the apocalypse.”