“Oh, honey,” my mother said, walking over to put her arm around me. I let her. I knew she meant well and I knew her words held truth. I knew it in my heart. and that was one of the reasons I’d told them I didn’t want kids yet, they’d made it clear they were okay with whatever decision I made. Maybe that was really why. Maybe they knew it was a bad idea, too.
Maybe we were all just sacrificing for one another, like we’d always had.
“I know this is hard for you,” she said, with a look of empathy only a mother could give. “But it’s better for you all to work
it out now.”
I wiped my tears away and reached for the warm mug of tea, hands still shaking. I didn’t tell her that we’d already talked about it and that decisions had been made and that I was the one that initiated it. There was something in the moment that pushed me back to my younger self—how dare someone tell me I couldn’t have a child if I wanted. It was like those who said my relationship with the guys was wrong—twisted—perverted.
They didn’t understand me and my family.
They didn’t understand how we worked.
They didn’t understand our love.
And for the first time, I realized that maybe I’d been wrong to let the fear dictate my decisions. At this point, though, it may be too late.
24
Heaven
“You about ready?” Hayden called from the hallway. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the party.
“Yeah, five minutes.” I was already running late because of last-minute panic over the fact that my dress felt too snug against my body—particularly my hips. I had to get Jackson to zip me up (which provided its own challenges.)
“I look like a cow,” I’d said, overdramatically.
“You look gorgeous.” His eyes were glued to my breasts, which were the only thing that looked better with a little bloat.
It was so fucking typical to get my period around a party like this. Not that I had it yet. I’d been waiting for days, dealing with the bullshit symptoms of PMS. My boobs ached, my stomach was bloated and I’d had that irrational meltdown at my mom’s earlier.
I dug around in my makeup drawer for mascara. Unlike my organized work station, my stuff at home was a mess. My hands skimmed over a circular container and I blinked, looking across the counter at a similar one. I opened the birth control pack—it was my last one—the one I’d been taking when I got sick, and to my surprise and sudden horror, there were four left.
“Fuck.”
I’d been taking the placebo for a week now, waiting for my period to start. Things had gotten hazy while I was sick. I was on so many meds—the antibiotics and the fever reducers. I’d take all the pills in the morning but at least once I got confused and took my antibiotics twice in one day. Then forgot entirely on another.
Maybe my period was just confused—that happened, right?
No. It hadn’t. Because I had one of those bodies that worked like clockwork—especially since I got on the pill. Every twenty-eight days. Five days of bleeding. The boys knew to clear out and leave me alone, with a box of chocolate and a heating pad.
I picked up my phone and checked the calendar. Thirty-three days.
Then I remembered how I’d changed pills this month—the new prescription--and that was probably it. It was stronger, and the doctor had said it may take a minute for my body to adjust. I assumed that meant different symptoms and maybe a different length period. I mean, that was why I changed, right? To help with my flow.
With shaking hands, I swiped on some mascara and ran a hand over my hair. I was being ridiculous. I’d been sick on those days—not having sex with the boys at all. And we’d only had sex a few times since.
I was definitely being overdramatic, and grabbed a stash of tampons because it’d be just my luck to start my period in the middle of the party in this tight, pale pink dress.
Hayden called my name—a bit more impatiently. “Heaven…I’m sure you look amazing, stop fussing.”
“I’m coming,” I said, taking one last glance in the mirror. I needed to get my shit together. I’d taken up so much head-space with these boys over the last month. This night was about them and their success. I rearranged my face and turned off the light and walked out of the room where Hayden waited for me. He leaned against the wall, hands in the pockets of his dark gray slacks. Between the heather gray of his shirt and the darker one of his jacket, his eyes looked like hammered steel. His dark hair flopped in his eyes and God, he looked...damn.
“I knew you’d look breathtaking.” He smiled, eyes lingering over my body. All my insecurities vanished just having him look at me like that. How could they not?
25
Hayden