“Where’d you run off to last night?” she asked. “We had to watch James drown his sorrows in about ten bourbons.”
“I had a thing,” I said, still forcing a smile on my face.
She frowned at me some more then turned to James. “Hey, James. Wanna switch seats for a minute?” He nodded, probably relieved to break our stony silence. Jenny turned to me as the flight attendant went through the safety presentation. “What’s the matter with you two?” she whispered.
I leaned over to check that James and Cole couldn’t hear us; they were deep in conversation. “A lot,” I admitted. “I’m thinking I just need to be his escort. No more feelings. It’s too messy. There’s too much at stake.” Including my sanity, I thought. Not to mention my heart.
And, most importantly, James’s whole future.
She raised her eyebrows at me from under her fedora. “He was a mess last night at the reception, Dre. Seriously. He was miserable without you. And he still looks like that today—like he has an emotional hangover. You need to make that right.”
I picked at some imaginary lint on my skirt. “I don’t know if I can do that, Jenny.”
“Dre.” Jenny waited until I looked up and met her eyes. “Don’t you try to fool me. I know you have bona fide feelings for that man.”
I looked at her defiantly. “I thought you said thoughts and feelings were invisible, Jenny. No one’s supposed to be able to see them.”
“They’re not invisible when they’re written all over your face,” she snapped.
We just looked at each other for a beat.
“I’m trying to do the right thing,” I said. “For both James and me.”
“Did you talk to him about how you’re feeling? Did he tell you what he wants?” she asked.
I shook my head no. “He tried to. But honestly, I don’t want to know. Because no matter what he says, I know I’m not the best thing for him.”
Jenny squeezed my arm. “You’re such a good person—one of the best people I know. When’re you going to give yourself a chance?”
“A chance for what?” I asked miserably.
“To be happy,” Jenny said.
“I am happy. At least I know what it feels like now,” I mumbled.
She frowned at me again. “If you love him—and I’m guessing that’s what you mean—you’ve got to give him a chance,” she said.
“I can’t, Jenny.” I felt as if I might cry. “I’m just trying to keep this from going from bad to worse. Bad is where I’m at. I love him, and he’s totally out of my league. His mother hates me, and she’ll never accept me into their family. My mother’s already tried to blackmail him. That’s why she came to the wedding. It’s not like we’re ever going to be one big, happy family.”
I took a deep breath. “And it could get so much worse—that’s why I don’t even want to know how he feels. What if he loves me back, huh? It’ll never work out and that would break my heart. Or what if he doesn’t love me back? Then that would break my fucking heart. You get it?”
“I get it.” Jenny sighed. “But you gotta stop this overthinking. And you gotta let him have a say. Otherwise you’ll never find out.”
“Find out what?” I asked.
“Who he is, Dre.” Jenny looked like she pitied me a little. “If you don’t let him tell you how he feels about you, you’ll never get a chance to know. And that might seem safe and perfect, in that little airtight container that you’re trying to create for yourself, but it’s not right.
“I know you: you want everything in order. You want to take care of Tommy and keep your Mom out of trouble and keep James up on a pedestal. But that little airtight container’s not big enough for you, girl. It’s not big enough for you to have a life.”
“Huh,” I said. I picked some more imaginary lint off my skirt. Jenny knew me better than I wished she did. “Have I told you lately that you’re smart?”
“You have,” she said and smiled. “So if you think I’m so smart, you listen to what I’m saying. You gotta be brave here. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And maybe some liquid courage.”
She hit the button above us and an attendant appeared instantly. “We’d like two large glasses of alcohol,” Jenny said. “Any kind you got. This being such a fancy flight and all, I’m sure it’s all good.”
James
The plane ride passed in a blur. Cole and I drank bourbon and talked about sports. He must have sensed that I needed to keep things on an even keel; he didn’t even bug me to switch back to my old seat so he could be next to Jenny.