“I have,” she said, looking at me levelly. “And no matter how many different ways I picture it, this doesn’t work out.”
“Then you’re a pessimist,” I said. I pulled her back to me.
“James… really. What about your parents?”
“I’ll deal with them,” I said. “We don’t owe them any further explanation—about your mother, or your background, or anything else right now. It’s not their business. And we’re not ready to tell them anything. We might never tell them.”
“Babe,” she said, a hopeless look on her face. “I didn’t tell you what your mother said to me. And she said it when she thought I was a legitimate, above-board art student. Not an escort.”
I waited, my temples beginning to pound again. “What,” I said, not bothering to make it a question.
“She told me she wants us to break up after the honeymoon. She said that your children are going to have an incredible amount of money and society responsibility, and that they need parents who can help them with that.”
The pounding in my head got worse. “And she said you’re not capable of that.”
“She didn’t say that.” Audrey shrugged against me. “She didn’t have to. I’m not capable.”
“First of all, that’s not true. You’re perfectly capable. Second of all, I don’t care what my mother thinks. I never have.”
Audrey looked up at me. “I don’t believe that.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I think you understand what your mother is saying, even if you don’t want to. And I feel exactly the same way,” she said. “Your children are going to be some of the richest kids in the country. You need someone who can help them—with private schools, charity drives, organic foods, stuff I can’t even begin to imagine. That’s not me.”
“You can learn all that stuff,” I said.
“I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves here,” she said. “The point is, your mother says I’m fine for right now. After that, I need to be gone. And she doesn’t even know what I really am.” She looked up at me miserably. “She offered to pay me off, James. After this trip. I would never take it, but I just thought you should know.”
“She’s going to pay, all right,” I said, mostly to myself. I was quiet for a minute, running it all through my mind. “Audrey. Do you want to take the money and just go?”
“Of course not,” she said. “But I think she’s right—I don’t think I’m good for you. I don’t even know what you want from me.”
“All I want,” I said, pulling her to me, “is you.”
“Don’t say things like that,” she said, her eyes filling with tears even as she settled against me. “Don’t. I’m the cowboy. You’re the bed. This is gonna end badly.” She blew her nose again.
“Audrey,” I said. “Please stop talking. And sniffling. You’re the cowboy, remember? Cowboys don’t sniffle.”
Audrey
I’d lied to Jenny: I’d told her I’d be brave and that I’d be smart. But lying naked and waiting for James was not brave, and it was not smart. It was, however, all I had. It was my last-ditch effort to make him just a John and to save him from me.
It hadn’t worked. He had shown me who he was. And he had told me that he loved me.
When he said it, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me and the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So I cried. A lot.
And then he’d held me, and I’d tried to tell him that it wasn’t going to work out, but he’d just kept holding me.
After a while, we just snuggled together on the bed and fell asleep. Neither one of us had slept much the night before. I nestled into his arms, feeling protected and for once in my life, absolutely happy.
I woke up a little while later in my normal state: absolutely petrified about the future.
“Hey.” James opened one eye and looked at me, a smile spreading over his face. “Hey—I love you.”
I couldn’t help it. It was contagious; a huge smile broke out over my face, too. “Hey. I love you, too.” We grinned at each other, and I kissed him then, hungrily. But as soon as I thought of the word “hunger” my stomach started howling loudly.
“We need to eat,” he said, still grinning at me. “Does my girlfriend want to have an early dinner by the pool?”