My Super-Hot Fake Wedding Date

I held up my hands. “You don’t need to do that. I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t something else. Like you’re trying to make your crazy ex-boyfriend jealous or something like that. It’s nothing like that, right?”

“No, of course not.” She shook her head. “I mean, Dean Smith is going to be there, and he was my high-school boyfriend, but then he totally married my cousin, and that made my mom nuts, so it’ll be helpful in that respect to have a date because my mom won’t feel so alienated, as she likes to call it, about my…” Madison continued, and my phone buzzed again. I quickly glanced at it to make sure it wasn’t an emergency.

Katie: Really wish I could get your blessing!

I shoved the phone in my pocket. Ah, the crazy ex-girlfriend strikes again. I wanted to throw my phone to the ground and stomp on it, but instead, I smiled at Madison. “Sounds good.”

Madison stopped midsentence and blinked at me.

I shrugged. “I get it. I have a family, I know how it can be. See you tomorrow?”

“Sure?” She frowned as I started walking away. “I mean, sure!”

“I have to get back to my route.” I smiled and waved. “Text me if you think I need anything special.”

“O-okay.” Her frown deepened. It was probably a black-tie wedding, and there were a shit-ton of things I needed to bring. All of this looked like it was dawning on Madison. I was sure she would call to cancel. But in the interim, at least I had something to think about besides Katie, her stupid text, and her stupid wedding to my stupid ex-friend this stupid weekend.

I imagined my mother looking

down at me from heaven, just shaking her head.

I loved my job, but I was happy to be done with my shift. I changed, put in my earbuds, and blasted the music so loud I couldn’t think about anything. I went for a run then did chest presses and bicep curls in my apartment. Afterward, I took a shower, grabbed a beer, and checked my phone. I had eleven messages—one more from Katie, three from my sister, and nine from Madison.

I took a large swallow of beer before I read them. I started with my sister because I was pretty sure she was the least crazy of the three.

Marta: Um, bridezilla won’t stop texting me.

Marta: I guess I’m going to go to the wedding if it means that much to her. As long as you’re okay with it.

Marta: Was Katie always this crazy?

Yes. Yes, she was. I just hadn’t realized how bad she really was until she broke up with me for Dave.

Next, I read the texts from my panic-stricken fake date.

Madison: Hi, um, this is Madison. From Acorn Street.

Madison: So about the wedding… it’s black tie. What size are you? There’s totally a place on the island. NBD!

Madison: So the tone of this weekend is BOCA RATON EARLY FALL CASUAL. (My parents and all their friends have houses there, and I’m not even kidding—I wish I was—but that’s what my mother put on the invite to the rehearsal dinner.) That means polo shirts and jackets and khakis. Like, expensive ones. No Vineyard Vines Outlet or J Crew Factory if you get what I’m saying. NBD! I’m on it! :)

Madison: Did I mention my family has issues? They have a few issues. Nothing serious. I mean, it’s just a weekend, right?

Madison: What size are you again? Shoe size? Neck size? Waist? Inseam? Jacket?

Madison: Also? My parents have a heated outdoor pool and hot tub, and we might all go swimming. Pack swim trunks. I’ll get you some flip-flops!

Madison: Do you have any food allergies?

Madison: Can you handle your liquor? (Did I mention my family is Irish Catholic?)

Madison: Are *you* by any chance Irish Catholic? With a last name like Palmieri, I’m guessing not…

Hmm. I guessed that meant I was actually going to this thing. I sent her back all my measurements and answered her questions:

Bob: No food allergies. I can probably drink you under the table, but I’m Italian, not Irish. Bob is short for “Roberto.” Sorry to disappoint!

Madison: You’re a lifesaver, not a disappointment! So glad to hear you can drink your face off. I think. Okay, I’m going shopping now. See you tomorrow! :)