“So there was no way in hell I was going to keep going if you were just going through the motions—or worse, you were doing it for me.”
“I wasn’t going through the motions—like I said, I got distracted for a second.” I swallowed hard. “And I wasn’t doing it just for you. I miss having sex, too, you know.”
Wes sighed again. “That doesn’t mean we have to rush it.”
“It doesn’t mean we have to wait until it’s perfect either.” Part of me just wanted to get it over with.
“Of course not.” He rolled over and put his arms around me.
I relaxed against his warmth, even as different emotions jostled inside me.
He was quiet for so long, I’d thought he’d fallen asleep, but then he said, “What distracted you?”
“I couldn’t stop…thinking.”
“About what?”
“Just thinking. That I wanted to do it, that the way we were kissing felt good.”
“You had to convince yourself?” Even though it was a loaded question, Wes only sounded genuinely curious.
“It wasn’t that. It was more like I was waiting for myself to freak out, and I was trying to head it off.”
He played with my hair. “Why were you worried you were going to freak out?”
I sighed. “I had a panic attack last night, remember? I’m not exactly in control of my emotions right now.”
Wesley dropped the lock of hair he’d been twisting. He sat up. “But what does that have to do with us being intimate?”
“I don’t know! It’s emotional, I guess. I was worried I’d react weird.” My half-truths were confusing me as much as him.
Wes sighed. “I want you to know that I’m not judging you—I hope I don’t sound defensive, because that’s not what this is about.”
I wrapped my arms around myself. “I know that. Listen, let’s talk about this another time, because tomorrow’s another hellish day. We have to meet with Lauren at Paragon about this newest round of hacking.”
“And I made us an appointment with the couples’ therapist Dr. Fisher recommended. It’s for first thing tomorrow morning.”
I’d thought Wes agreed with me about seeing the therapist—and didn’t want to go. “What? Why’d you do that?”
“Because we’ve both been through a lot.” He patted my back kindly, but in a way that also made it clear he wouldn’t budge an inch.
“I don’t need to see a therapist, and I don’t have time.”
“Do it for me, then. Just come with me to the first appointment.”
I cursed inwardly, wishing we’d just had stupid sex and gotten it over with. I’d be fine once we did, I knew it.
“Fine,” I said.
“Fine,” he said back.
But I wondered if we really were. Fine, I meant.
Chapter 14
Wes
Hannah didn’t say a word on the way to the therapist’s office in Cupertino. She t