“I’m just saying that there’s a reason she came here looking for you.” He shrugs. “Who knows, maybe the vows you speak on Monday will come true.”
Chapter 7
April
Waiting for that conference room door to open has been absolute torture. Cara has kept her promise about not bringing up the baby. She hasn’t called me on my lies, but I know the slight reprieve I’m getting right now won’t last forever.
The room isn’t as crowded as it was when I came out of Nate’s room earlier. The excitement of our drama thankfully died off very quickly, people spreading out and focusing on other things than watching me like a science experiment.
I hate being the center of attention.
Vanity is one of the ugliest traits a woman can have. You need to fade into the background. Be there in support of your husband, not itching for people to notice you.
I shake my head, wondering when the lessons I learned in California will fade and become distant memories.
“It’s going to take years,” Cara mutters. “Before all the things you thought were correct to stop controlling your actions.”
It’s like she’s in my head, and I’m wound too tight for that to be comforting.
“How do you do it?”
She frowns at me. “Do what?”
“Live so freely. You share a bed every night with a man you aren’t married to. There’s no repenting of your sins. You make no effort to atone.”
“And I never will,” she says flatly. “We love each other, and there’s no verse in the Bible that will be able to convince me that loving someone is wrong. Look over there.”
I follow the tilt of her head, trying not to be conspicuous. I don’t want people gossiping about me, so I don’t want to be caught doing the same to them.
“See those two men? The one with the beard and the one covered nearly head to toe in tattoos. Those two men love each other.”
“But they’re married.”
“They’re sodomites,” Cara says, a small cringe on her face as if she hates even using the word. “Don’t you have a problem with that?”
I shake my head. “Not if they’re in love. Do you?”
“Have a problem with two men loving each other? Not even a small one. Maybe look at marriage as a piece of paper, a very old tradition that society has convinced us is the next step when you fall in love. It’s actually just another form of conformity.”
“You don’t want to get married?”
She laughs. “He hasn’t asked yet, but I’d never turn him down. I don’t need marriage, but if it’s something he wants, and that piece of paper makes him happy, then I’d walk down that aisle with a wide smile on my face because I love him. I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life with Javier.”
“This is your way of trying to convince me not to get married to Nate?”
She sighs again. “I can’t tell you what to do. You’re an adult, but I’d be lying if I said I believed that you two are in love.”
“I’m having a baby,” I remind her.
“Would it make any difference if I told you that Javier and I are trying to get pregnant?”
I shake my head, but I can’t actually explain how that makes me feel. I have no idea why I have no problem with other people’s choices, yet I can’t seem to get over being in this situation myself.
If my sister got pregnant, even out of wedlock, I’d be ecstatic for her. If that’s what she wants, then I say go for it.
But going to bed each night without a ring on my finger and a baby growing in my belly makes me feel disgusting. I feel unclean and destined for an eternity in Hell.
“I’d be so happy for you,” I finally manage to say. “But I’m not changing my mind.”
She nods once and then gets up to join Javier on the other side of the room.
Not long after Cara walks away, the door to the conference room opens, the men piling out, unreadable looks on all their faces until their eyes find who I’m guessing are their significant others.
Nate looks around the room, his eyes landing on mine, but he doesn’t have the same look as the others. Those men might as well have little cartoon hearts in their eyes. Nate looks at me with concern, his eyes sweeping the length of me as he crosses the room.
“Are you okay?” he asks, crouching down in front of me. He clasps my hands in his, and I immediately wonder if he’s doing it to get people to believe in this love connection no one knew about until a couple of hours ago.
“I’m okay. Kind of tired.” The sun was going down on the drive back from the diner, meaning we spent much longer than I thought talking about so many things while at the same time avoiding the hard stuff.