“I have shorts on, but I can’t sleep with a shirt,” he says as if needing to explain.
“Goodnight,” I whisper, clamping my eyes closed, thinking that maybe the darkness behind my lids will be enough to convince my body to do as it’s told.
It doesn’t work, and I don’t even know why I was hopeful that it would. I lie as still as I can manage and wait, the pressure behind my eyes growing with each passing second.
Three days ago, I wasn’t happy, but my world wasn’t imploding either. My grandmother hadn’t walked into my room without knocking. She hadn’t yet seen the swollen part of my lower abdomen. She was still happy that I was going to be attending the University of South Carolina, a tradition that had stopped with her and my grandfather because my dad refused to attend college.
Then it all blew up in my face. I had expected a little unhappiness. I knew they would be disappointed. What I didn’t expect is that they’d toss me out and tell me to never show my face on their property ever again. It wasn’t much of a family, but it was something. I had a little light in my life for a brief moment, and now that was gone.
Now, I’m facing a loveless marriage and raising a child with a man I don’t know, and I may never get to know fully because this arrangement isn’t about eventually falling in love and living in happiness. It’s only a way to save face, a way to deceive others, convincing them that I’m not a whore but someone in love and ready to start a family.
The tears begin to fall before I’m ready, before I’m certain that Nate has fallen asleep, but there’s no stopping them as they track down my face, soaking the pillow under my head.
I hate myself a little more for being so weak, for crying over things I can’t fix or change.
Cory was supposed to be my happily ever after. He made so many promises, convinced me that he loved me as much as I thought I loved him.
I jerk when he touches me, the soothing palm on my back feeling like a comfort I don’t deserve.
But I don’t shove him away. I don’t open my mouth to tell him I’ll be fine, in fear that only sobs will escape. So I lie there, crying like a child as he continues those maddening circles on my back. He’s keeping his distance when I know it would be so easy for him to press against my back and wrap his arms around me.
Why does the thought of that make me cry harder? Or is it the fact that he doesn’t inch closer that hurts me?
What the hell am I getting myself into?
“Did you love him?”
I don’t have to ask who he’s talking about. Of course he understands that I’m in a situation I never wanted. I never would’ve ended up pregnant and alone if I had any inclination that Cory would turn into such a vile human being, but I only saw what I wanted to see. The clues were there long before I had sex with him, long before he managed to convince me that we’d spend an eternity together. I should’ve listened to my gut, but I guess I wanted out of Knight Salvation more.
I can’t answer him. I don’t want pity for my own choices. I can live with them no matter how painful they are.
My tears continue, as do the circles on my back, and somehow that soft touch turns comforting, and I fall asleep.
Tomorrow will be a better day. It just has to be.
Chapter 8
Apollo
I could lie next to her with the warmth of her body leeching through the sheets for the rest of my life and feel content.
Okay. That’s a complete lie. Knowing that a gorgeous woman is only inches away is wreaking havoc on my body, certain parts having a mind of their own and a million suggestions of what I should be doing.
I can’t control it, no matter how much I wish I could.
I climb out of the bed as gingerly as possible, changing out of my basketball shorts and into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t worry that she’ll wake up in the seconds it takes me to get dressed because her soft snores never falter. I know she’s exhausted. I also know that she’s probably going to be starving when she wakes. Normally, I wouldn’t be so eager to head to the kitchen just as the sun is rising, but I’ve never promised to marry anyone either. It seems like my life is going to be full of many changes.
I refuse to acknowledge the little tendrils of fear that threaten to wrap around me and take over my thoughts as I leave the room. It’s normal to feel jittery at thoughts of getting married and having a baby. I’m sure every man feels the same. Yeah, their stories may be a little different than what I’m going through, but the result is still the same. Marriage and a child.