“I didn’t think. I should’ve kept up with the nodes lie to get out of it, but—”
“But you belong on that stage and it’s hard to turn it off.”
“Exactly.”
I rub my hand down his arm and back up. “This isn’t your fault. It’s Harley who shouldn’t have demanded you fly halfway around the world again to go back to him. Do …” I bite my lip trying to pluck up the courage to ask what I really want to. “Do you think you’ll get back together with him?”
“No.”
Emphatic answer. That’s good.
“I don’t want to. And I don’t know what he’s playing at. It’s like he wants to torture us both.”
“Maybe he misses you and wants to be near you?”
“Well, he’ll be surprised when I only turn up for my stage time and then bug outta there.”
“Are you allowed to do that?” I ask.
“Yep. Luce generally likes us to hang around until after the concert and meet backstage fans, but they’re there for Eleven, not us.”
“You have fans. I’ve seen how rabid they can be on social media.”
“They’re great, but we’re still building a brand. We weren’t an overnight success like Eleven. We’ve had to work and put our blood, sweat, and tears into getting where we are.”
“Blood?”
Jet laughs. “Totally. One day, Benji and I were roughhousing during a creative session, and we were bored because the inspiration wasn’t there. He’s this big Aussie guy, you know?”
“I remember from that night in Tampa.”
“Yeah, so there’s me, all five ten wispy me, trying to overpower him. He was barely using any strength, and I was going all out. We were wrestling on the floor, and somehow, I still don’t even know how, I threw him off me, and he rolled and smashed his nose on the end of the coffee table. Blood everywhere.”
The reminder that Jet’s had this whole amazing life since that night we met makes the regret so much worse. Maybe breaking his bandmate’s nose isn’t amazing, but it’s a great anecdote.
I’ve never been the type of guy to have the fear of missing out. I’ve done what I wanted, gone where I wanted, and haven’t worried about what I missed. When Bryce would go to gallery openings and art exhibitions and all those other places where his friends would make me feel like a dumb jock, I never got upset when he told me I could stay home or if I had a game and couldn’t go. I didn’t get jealous when he’d come home and tell me what happened.
But right now, as stupid as it sounds, I wish I’d been there for Jet and Benji hanging out.
Jet’s still laughing when I blurt out, “I’m jealous.”
“Jealous?” he asks incredulously. “I mean, we could wrestle, and I can accidentally break your nose too if you want.”
I shake my head. “Not of that. I’m jealous of the life you have and the people who get to be around you all the time.”
“I can tell you now, there’s nothing to be jealous of. I have some close friends, and it’s amazing I get to experience that life with them, but … until Harley … it was miserable being on tour with no one real to share it with.”
Share it with me, I want to say, but we both know that can’t happen. Preseason training starts in eight weeks. His tour still has three months left.
Jet stares at the same ceiling I was staring at not ten minutes ago with the same contemplative gaze. “I’ve always dreamed of someone who’s mine waiting for me offstage. He’d give me a kiss as soon as I’d finish my set even if I’m sweaty and gross. He’d be there for me. Not for the fame. Not for the public exposure of being with Jay from Radioactive … He’d be there just for me.”
The words tumble out of my mouth without proper thought. “I want to be that guy.”
Jet’s response is expected. “You can’t be. Hockey.”
“I can be for a little while.” My breathing stalls, and my heart beats erratically. “Take me with you. I’ll be that guy for you until I have to report back to New Jersey.”
He’s hesitant, but I can see he’s truly contemplating it.
“I don’t mean to put you on the spot, and you can say no. I just … I don’t want this to end yet. I’m not ready to let you go, and you know I love seeing you on stage.”
“You’d … do that? You don’t have, like, LGBTQ sports stuff you have to do? And commitments?”
“I may technically be the first out NHL player, but Ollie’s story became bigger than mine because he was dating a sports reporter. When I decided to come out, I did it so I could live a normal life without worry. I didn’t want to be some gay icon. I knew that came with the territory, but Ollie saved me from becoming that guy. And I’m not a player with a huge amount of endorsement deals, and that’s the way I like it too.”