Miller’s hand absentmindedly runs through the cum on his stomach, and the question in my head appears without much though.
I wonder what he tastes like.
“You okay?” Miller asks, pulling my gaze away.
He’s finally looking at me, and I wonder how long he’s had his eyes open and if he cares about me staring at him with that much intensity.
My lips quirk, and I pan my phone down to show the mess I’ve made of myself. “Never better. Shame you missed it.”
Miller’s still breathing heavy. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
Guilt I can’t explain consumes me, and when I force myself to speak, I can’t get my words above a whisper. “I may not know what’s going on with me, but I can say with complete certainty that you could never make me uncomfortable.”
Miller’s eyes soften, and he looks relieved.
“And what about you?” I ask. “This seems to be a lot easier for you than your average straight guy.”
He hesitates. “I told you I’d thought about you in that way.”
That doesn’t mean this wouldn’t or shouldn’t be as weird for him as it is for me.
“Have you thought about other guys that way?” I don’t know if I want to know the answer.
Miller breaks eye contact again. “I’ve been with guys before.”
Yup, I didn’t want to know that. My chest tightens, and while I can’t be sure because it’s never happened to me before, I think it’s jealousy. Which is ridiculous. I’ve been in the very same room while Miller’s been with women. Why does the gender of his hookups matter?
“When?” I ask.
Miller gets out of bed to take his phone from the dresser. He lies back down, and his face is back to being the only thing to fill my screen.
“Do you really want to know?”
No! “Yes.”
“There were a few guys senior year of college.”
Senior year. After I left. I must make a face or something, because he keeps talking.
“I needed to know if what I felt for you was for you or for guys in general.”
“And the answer?” I don’t think I truly want to know this either.
“Guys in general. I’m … uh … I’m bi.”
More inexplicable disappointment.
It’s stupid and selfish of me to think any of this could be about me. That what’s between us is a one-off somehow. If it was just us, it’d give me reassurance that what I want with Miller is bigger than either of us and something out of our control. The thought of going out there and being with other guys doesn’t appeal to me, but maybe if I pushed myself—
“You’re thinking pretty hard over there,” Miller says.
On the small square on the screen where I can see myself, I notice the large frown lines across my forehead.
“I wasn’t expecting that,” I admit. “But it makes sense after you told me you’d thought about it—us—before. Although I don’t know why you didn’t think to come to me about it.”
He huffs a humorless laugh. “How do you think twenty-two-year-old Talon would’ve reacted to that?”
“Whoa, why do you say that like you think I was some kind of close-minded asshole back then?”
Miller runs his hand through his hair. “That’s not what I mean.”
“Then what do you mean?”
“Are we really doing this now?” Miller’s reluctance makes me nervous.
“Yes.” My voice comes out growly.
“Until tonight, I’ve never said the words I’m bi out loud. I’ve known it for a long time, but I’ve never actually said it. The thought of saying it back then to anyone, let alone the straight guy I measured all my hookups against, made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Not to mention it was your first year in the NFL and you moved to the opposite side of the country.”
Damn.
Asshole of the year award goes to me.
“Seems like tonight’s the night for major revelations,” I murmur.
Miller cocks his head. “How so?”
“This whole thing, ever since moving to Chicago … is it too early to have a midlife crisis? I’m twenty-eight, for fuck’s sake.”
Miller laughs. “So, you’ve been wondering if your sudden attraction to men means you’re going crazy?”
“Well, not … crazy. I dunno. I moved to Chicago for you, and until I saw Jackson and Noah together, I never questioned my motivation behind it. Now I can’t think of anything but that. And I don’t know if this is an attraction to men or if it’s a … you thing. I don’t know what it means, I don’t know what we’re doing here, and I don’t know if …” I can’t say it.
“Don’t know what?”
“If after all is said and done, that this won’t dissolve and we not only screw up our friendship but also the team.”
Miller’s lips press together. “It’s an impossible situation. It’s putting everything on the line even thinking about it.”
Even though he’s right, and I’m scared shitless of all this being some … temporary insanity—not that being gay or bi or whatever should be equated to insanity—I’m wondering if I’ve missed Miller on a completely platonic level and somehow my screwed-up brain thinks this is the only way to hold onto him. Which is ridiculous, because if anything, this is going to push him away.