“Cold?” I reach over and shove my beanie on his head.
“I swear it’s colder here than in Wisconsin, and I didn’t think that was possible.”
“I know lots of ways to warm you up.”
“A few weeks without sex has given you a one-track mind.”
“Nah, I always think about sex, but I’m more vocal about it when I’m not getting any.”
Zach smiles, but there’s something about it I don’t quite believe.
It’s been like that for a while if I’m being honest. Ever since Damon King came into my life, Zach’s smiles feel forced. His excitement seems faked.
For someone who analyzes emotion because he doesn’t understand it, he’s not great at hiding his.
He’s gone back to fidgety and nervous Zach. As if any progress we’ve made the last few months has been taken away by our time apart.
It was like this when hockey season started too.
I don’t know how that will affect us next year.
We’ve been texting and talking on the phone, but Zach’s been too self-conscious to video chat, which I respect, but if I’m going to sign with an NHL team, something’s going to have to change. He can’t go back to being uncomfortable around me after every time we’re away from each other.
Visits will be short. Our time will be limited.
But I still want it. I want as much time with him as I can have for as long as I can have it.
I thought this thing with him would be fleeting—that we’d hang out, have fun, and then eventually we’d realize we have nothing in common or we’d be too busy for each other and end things on good terms.
It’s how most of my “relationships” have gone.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think we’d end up here where I don’t want to leave him. I never thought I’d take someone else into consideration when deciding my future.
My future has been mine and mine alone to control. Now I want to do everything in my power to make sure Zach’s a part of it. No matter how hard long distance will be.
“How was New York?” he asks as we get on the road.
“I pretty much told you everything already.”
He’d listened and been enthusiastically happy for me, but now I’m wondering if that was forced too.
It might have been that I was feeling so high over signing with an agent that I wasn’t paying complete attention to how Zach was taking the news.
Damon listened to what I want and was optimistic. I told him I’m interested in any contract that will be offered, but that I’d love to stick close to home. East Coast if possible. Damon believes he can get me that but has also told me to be realistic in the sense an NHL contract is an NHL contract, no matter where it is.
All I have to do now is put my head down and work my ass off to impress NHL scouts. Prove that any and every team will want me.
“Are you excited?” Zach asks.
“I’ll be excited once I have a contract. An agent is only the beginning.”
“What’s your ultimate dream team?”
“New York would be cool. It’s farther than I’d like, but Ollie Stromberg plays for them.”
“I have no idea who that is.”
I snort. “One of the first out players in the NHL. My agent represents him too, and I dunno … not being the only queer guy on a team would be nice. If not New York, I’d kill to play for Boston. I grew up rooting for them, so that would be awesome.”
A small smile breaks through on Zach’s face. “It’s also only three and a half hours away.”
“You could come down on weekends when I don’t have games.”
Zach shifts in his seat and looks out the window. “You’d want that?”
“Fuck yes.”
“Wow. No hesitation. Okay.”
“Are you doing that thing again?” I glance at him before needing to turn my focus back to the road.
They’re slick and dangerous from last night’s snowfall. I want to pull over to have this conversation, but we’re almost home.
“What thing?”
“Where you’re making assumptions about us without talking to me?”
“M-maybe?”
I pull onto my parents’ street and bite my lip to stop from getting into this until we’re parked in the drive.
The second I kill the engine, I turn to him.
“So, what’s the assumption? That as soon as I sign with the NHL, that’s it for us?”
“I don’t know? Maybe? You’ll always be you, and I’ll always be … me.”
“I have absolutely no clue what that means.”
He eyes me. “You’re mad again.”
“No shit.”
“The NHL includes a certain … lifestyle. I don’t want to hold you back.”
“Lifestyle?” I frown.
“Puck bunnies. I read about them.”
I rub my hand over my face and groan. “Are we really arguing about a possible future where I might fuck some random person because you’ll be in Vermont and I won’t be?”