Goal Lines & First Times (CU Hockey 3)

I swipe my way through some other options when a profile catches my eye—mainly the description: I’m just here to talk. No casual hookups.

@scientistguy doesn’t have many details, and the only photo is a Halloween costume.

I test him out and hope it’s not bullshit. The creepers tend to show their colors pretty fast.

@confused96: Hey.

He doesn’t reply even though the green light is showing he’s online. After five minutes of nothing, I send off another message.

@confused96: For someone who wants to talk, you don’t say much.

The bubbles appear on the screen, letting me know he’s typing.

@scientistguy: I was waiting for the inevitable dick pic that usually follows the message HEY.

I laugh. Scientist Guy might be having the same hit-and-miss luck I am.

@confused96: They may see your request for conversation as a challenge.

@scientistguy: I figured they can’t read.

Another laugh bubbles out of me.

@confused96: That too. So what’s your story?

@scientistguy: What do you mean by story? Once upon a time about twenty-two years ago, there was a man and woman who loved each other verrrry much …

@confused96: ha ha. I actually meant why are you on a dating app wanting to talk? No luck in real life?

@scientistguy: I’m butt ugly.

@confused96: A paper bag will clear that right up.

@scientistguy: It’s good I have options.

@confused96: Does ugliness really hold you back in the gay world? I figured most guys aren’t looking at your face when they bend you over and fuck you.

@scientistguy: *sigh* so close. Later.

Wait, what did I do? Oh, shit. I scramble to reply before he blocks me.

@confused96: No! That wasn’t an offer or a come on or trying to lead to sexting. I really am curious if ugliness is a problem when it seems everyone I talk to is only interested in dicks and buttholes.

@scientistguy: lol. Has someone actually asked to see your butthole? How do you even take a photo of that?

@confused96: Hey, I’m just here to talk. I can’t believe you asked me to take a photo of my butthole.

@scientistguy: I didn’t!

@confused96: Mmhmm. Sure.

@scientistguy: What’s YOUR story?

@confused96: You’re cunnin’ if you think I don’t know you’re diverting attention away from yourself, but I’ll let it slide. I’m Richie. I’m 24. And I’m really new to this.

@scientistguy: Ah, hence your name? Or are you confused how a 69 works and got it backward?

@confused96: That’s exactly my problem. Turning 69s into 96s. But in all seriousness, it’s labels, I guess. They’re confusing. I’ve kissed one guy a long time ago but have only ever been with women. It was only recently someone else pointed out to me that I might not be straight.

@scientistguy: Most people would say Congratulations, you’re bisexual, but I know it’s not as easy as that. If it makes you feel any better, my ex-girlfriend had to point out I might not be straight either. What is it with people and telling others what sexuality they should be?

@confused96: To be fair, I have actually kissed a guy. Have you?

@scientistguy: Nope. All summer I’ve been on here trying to meet guys. You know, to do thorough research. I was surprised when I actually did form connections with a few. They seemed great online, there was that … interest, but the minute we met up for coffee or whatever, it was completely different and they didn’t seem like the same guy. Like it was all a show. Or maybe it’s me that’s the problem, and in person I just don’t feel … it. I’m honestly about to give up. This label thing is hard. I don’t know what I am either.

@confused96: Hopefully human. That’s my only hard limit. I really don’t want to fall for you and then find out you’re a porcupine.

I figured a joke would make him want to stay a bit longer. It sounds like he’s two seconds away from deleting the app entirely.

@scientistguy: I can be prickly. Fair warning.

@confused96: … Are you a porcupine? I’m pretty sure if I ask, you have to say. No, wait, that’s the police.

@scientistguy: Not the police either. That’s what dumbass criminals think.

@confused96: Did you just call me a criminal?

@scientistguy: I also called you a dumbass.

@confused96: I can’t refute that. Did you not see the part where someone else had to point out that kissing another man probably means I’m not straight?

There’s a beat where the bubbles appear and then disappear. Then they appear again. I’m expecting some huge message, maybe something about sexualities being on a spectrum and using the words I’ve seen from countless googling like fluid and pansexual and all those other great labels that sound good but don’t quite … fit. Yet. I’m hoping with a bit more experience, I’ll work it out.

That doesn’t come through though.

@scientistguy: Are you a criminal? Ever been arrested?

I guess he doesn’t want to get in too deep this first chat, and I can respect that.