"Mmm." I think about Nadine and Thrand. Well, Deeni is a little older than Jethani. Maybe that's the difference. Or maybe Steph's just more protective. That's entirely possible. "Well," I say, keeping my expression bright. "I can't stay and chat. I need to head off before the day gets too late."
Immediately, Steph's expression clouds. "Where are you going?"
I'm not going to lie about it, because I'm an adult. "Oh. I decided I need a little break from the cold. I'm heading for the fruit cave for a few days."
She gives me an alarmed look. "Alone?"
This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I've been to the fruit cave three times in the last three years. Twice was with Farli, but now that her son Farlok has been born, she's holed up at Croatoan in the bliss of new motherhood. The last time, I went with Penny, S'bren and Callie and M'tok, and I felt like such a fifth wheel that it was miserable. I'm happiest by myself, so why not go by myself? I know the way. I know how to hunt. I can take care of myself. "I do lots of hunting, Steph. I can handle a few days on my own."
"Yes, but…metlaks…" She waves a hand in the air. "And sky-claw…and like, snow-cats. It's all so dangerous."
Steph means well. She really does. It's why I don't get upset at her. "I know how to take care of myself," I say firmly. "Farli taught me everything she knows."
"Oh, I know. I didn't mean to imply you were helpless." She bites her lip, a worried expression on her face. "I just…it's so hard out here, Sam. And I don't like it when anyone goes out alone. It just worries me. We're not equipped for this sort of life, you know?"
"Well it's the only life we've got," I say cheerfully. "And everyone else is out hunting. If I run into trouble, I'll use one of the emergency flags." I pat my satchel, indicating where it's stowed. The safety flags have been a thing ever since Vordis broke his leg hunting and Angie nearly lost her mind with worry. Now, we can toss one of the red-dyed flags out and Ashtar can easily see them from flying overhead. It signals danger and the need for a rescue, and everyone carries one. "And the metlaks haven't been in this area in a while. I'll be fine."
Steph doesn't move. If anything, the worried expression on her face grows. This is exactly what I was hoping to avoid, but it seems that luck isn't on my side today.
"I can handle myself," I reassure her, and pat the visible weapons I carry. "Please don't tell me I can't hunt because I have a vagina. I'd expect that from the men, but not from you."
"You know I would never," Steph says fiercely. At her mother's tone, Jethani makes a worried coo, shoving a fist into her mouth and drooling on it as she looks up at her mother. Steph smooths the baby's wild hair—tufted like her father's—and gives me a calmer look. "This isn't about hunting. If anyone can handle their shit, it's you."
That makes me feel better. The last time I tried to go hunting by myself, R'jaal acted like the world was ending. That a precious womb shouldn't put herself into danger or some macho shit like that. I haven't spoken to him since.
"I worry about you," Steph says. "You've been pulling away for a while now. I just want to know what's going on and if I can help. You know I'm here to talk whenever."
But I don't want to talk, I want to say, but I bite the words back. I really do know Steph is just trying to help. She sees the wound inside me, and she wants to help. The thing is, no one can, and talking about it just makes it worse. "It's nothing, really."
"It's not nothing," she protests, falling into step behind me when I start to walk again. "When we first got here, you were so happy. So full of laughter and joy. What changed, Steph? What's made you pull into yourself like this? Talk to me. Please. I'm your friend."
I pause, because I really do feel guilty. Have I been that obvious? I've been doing my best to hide how I feel. To put on a bright smile and act like nothing's wrong, even when I'm being eaten up inside. I'm not sleeping well, either. My brain won't turn off, so I just sit up all night by my fire, listening to noises and making more weapons and...waiting.
Steph puts a gentle hand on my arm. "Has someone hurt you here? Touched you inappropriately?"
I blink at her, shocked she would even suggest it. The khui makes mated couples cleave so tightly to one another that cheating seems revolting to both partners. The mated men here would never even look twice at another woman, because they're still so utterly besotted with their mates. Heck, Liz and Raahosh have been together for twelve years now and they have three kids, yet just the other day I saw her playing with his tail when she thought no one was looking, and they'd disappeared into their hut after that for a good long time. They still act like kids together, which is sweet.