Sam's Secret (Icehome)

It's nice that he asks, however. "Thank you, though," I say softly. "I know this isn't what you wanted."

Sessah is silent. If he agrees with me, he doesn't respond. Somehow that makes me feel worse. Why did he have to follow me? Why? I hug my cold fingers to my chest, tucking them under my arms. Why couldn't he have stayed back at the camp? If he had, I'd…be carrying a heavy pack and still resonating, I realize. I wouldn't be any better off. Just alone and miserable instead of accompanied and miserable.

I feel guilty. Sessah is a good guy. He deserves someone that loves him. I know he's wanted resonance. And Tia…this must mess everything up with Tia. I want to apologize for that, too, but for some reason, I have a hard time forming the words. Even now, with my khui singing in my chest and making my body light up in response, it's hard to think about Sessah with another woman. I know it's my biology responding. It's forcing me to think of this. To think about mating. About touching.

And then what? What happens when Sessah decides that I'm his, no matter what I say? What happens when he gets crazy-possessive and won't let me go? That he'd rather kill me than leave me alone? Just like Brad wanted to? A cold chill moves up my spine, and I bite back a whimper. I've been in this situation before and it didn't turn out well.

On this planet, there's nowhere to hide. There's nowhere for me to escape him if he decides to go crazy. If he decides that if he can't have me, no one else can, either. Terror makes my throat knot up.

"You are shivering," Sessah says, coming up beside me.

"I'm fine." I don't want to show vulnerability. I don't want to give him an inch to use against me. "I can keep going."

But Sessah jogs in front of me, all energy despite the fact that it's been a long day. I give him a wary look when he blocks my path, but he doesn't move any closer. "Sam. It grows dark. Even a good hunter knows it is foolish to wander in the snows by moonlight. There is a hunter cave near here. Let me take you there."

It just makes me shiver harder. I know that cave. I know how tiny it is. How there's barely enough room for one person, much less two. "I can't—"

He puts a hand up, a patient look on his face. "Let me take you there. You can have the cave. I will sleep outside."

I swallow hard. He'd do that for me? Then I chide myself for even doubting. Of course he would. Sessah is the nicest. The last thing he wants is to scare me. It'll be an unpleasant evening for him, but he's volunteering it anyhow. "Thank you."

He nods, and for a moment, he looks like the bashful, shy Sessah I remember instead of this overgrown man. "You are frightened," he says in a gentle voice. "Take all the time you need. I will be your friend no matter what."

That makes me feel better…and worse, too. He's being so understanding. It's going to make it all the more difficult when he realizes that there's not enough time in the world for me to get over things. That I'm always going to be completely messed up after years of Brad's stalking. That I'm never going to trust anyone.

But he's trying. He's trying, and I'm not asshole enough to turn that down.

The cave is even smaller than I remember.

It's dark outside by the time we get to the hunter cave, but true to his word, Sessah doesn't go all caveman on me. He lets me take the lead, and I investigate the cave to make sure nothing has moved in before I settle on the floor to build a fire. The cave is no bigger than a closet, with the ceiling sloped on the far side of the fire pit. That's fine. It just needs to hold me. I unroll bedding on the better side of the fire pit and he remains outside, not protesting even when I put the screen up over the entrance to keep the heat in the cave. I stare at the fire, listening to my khui pounding and purring in my chest. It hasn't slowed down a bit since it first started.

I don't know how Josie and Haeden managed a full month. I'm already beside myself with misery. My clothing sits weird against my skin, and everything is too sensitive. My nipples feel chafed after rubbing against my leathers all day, and I don't have to touch myself to know that I'm hot and achingly wet between my thighs. For the first time in a million years, I want to masturbate my brains out. Just shove a hand in my pants and go to town on myself.