With a moan, I press a hand between my thighs and rub myself until I come. It's brutal and unpleasant and satisfies nothing other than the immediate urge, and I hate it so much. When I'm spent, I flop onto my back and stare up at the greenery above me. Normally I find all the fruit-laden vines so pretty. Just a spot of paradise here on an icy planet, the narrow walls of the cave coated with endless amounts of vines. Today, all I can see is the lip to the cave entrance far above, and me with no energy to go up there.
Stupid drinking. I've fucked up everything.
Did I have fun last night? Yes. Do I feel closer than ever to Sessah? Also yes, but that's part of the problem. We masturbated in front of each other. Naked. That's not what platonic friends do. I'm sending him mixed messages because one moment I'm telling him all about how I don't want any man to have a claim on me, and the next, I'm telling him he should whip his dick out and take care of himself.
Worst of all, I liked it. All of it.
Whimpering, I struggle to my feet. Have to find my weapons. Just touching one will remind me of the past. I need to stay strong. Not get distracted. Everyone says they'll be there for me but they never are, and I've learned that lesson. The only person I can count on is me.
"Saaahm?" Sessah's voice calls from above. "Are you well?"
I stagger and cling to one of the vines nearest to me, and notice that it's spattered with…something. Oh god. A memory of Sessah stroking himself and spurting seed all over the leaves hits me like a brick and I jerk away. Not gonna help matters if I get his jizz all over my skin and it makes my khui freak out. "I'm fine," I yell up.
"You are walking funny," he calls. "Stay there. I will come to you."
His words make me blush and I get a mental image of his hand on his big cock again, except this time in my mind, he's not touching himself, he's feeding it into me as I cling to the vines. That mental image sears through my head and I collapse in place, determined not to moan or touch myself. I can't. I can't.
Breathe, Sam. Breathe.
The vines shake above, the sounds of leaves rustling filling the cavern.
"My bag," I manage after a moment.
"I have it for you." Sessah's voice is impossibly close, and when I open my eyes, he hops down onto the stone floor next to me. He's wearing his boots and a rather small loincloth, but everything is covered. His hair is braided once more, and he looks fresh and alert. Figures. He kneels next to me and offers my bag, and then a handful of leaves. "Chew these. It will help get rid of the sah-sah that lingers in your belly."
I take the leaves, chewing, and when he strokes my hair, I feel guilty all over again. He's being kind and taking care of me and…I love it. I hate that I love it. I feel terrible because it makes me ache deep inside for something I can't have. I'd love nothing more than for someone to look after me, to have someone to lean on.
But life has taught me that I can't depend on this. Not that I think Sessah is a bad person. Just that…I'm unlucky.
"What can I get you?" Sessah asks.
"Nothing. I'm fine." Once I feel a little better, I reach into my bag and pull out one of my knives, holding it against my bare chest. It reminds me that I need to be vigilant. To not depend on the good times, because the rug will inevitably be pulled out from under my feet again. And when my khui starts to purr loudly in his presence, I ignore it.
Nothing good's going to come of our resonance. Nothing at all.
13
SESSAH
The next morning, Sam retreats from me again. She is distant, and though she smiles and talks to me, I can tell she is holding back. She dresses in all her leathers despite the heat of the cave, she finds things to do away from me, and she clutches her weapons tight when she thinks I am not looking.
I expected this. It makes me ache, but I expected it.
Now that I understand Sam a bit more, her actions make sense. She does not trust anyone to help her when she is in trouble. More than that, she expects this terrible male, this Brad, to show up as Day-see did. She expects him to ruin her happiness. It explains why she was so cheerful before and why she has a hunted expression on her face at all times.