"I do not want you to feel as if I have trapped you," he confesses. "If I could make you free, I would."
"But it's not what you want."
"What I want does not matter if you do not want me back."
"It's not that I don't." I twine my fingers with his. "It's that…I don't trust that I'm safe, I guess. I don't believe that I'm allowed to be happy. And I'm worried I'm going to bring you down with me."
"Then I will wait until you are no longer worried."
Sessah makes it sound so damn easy. I shake my head, because I wish it was that simple. "Do you really think you can last that long? What if it takes a month? Six months? A year?"
"Then my hand will become very, very strong."
I explode into nervous giggles at that, because it's the last thing I expected to hear. I picture Sessah with one enormous, meaty hand and it feels good to laugh, and when he chuckles along with me, it makes me even happier. It feels so good to just enjoy myself with him, and I'm reminded of our fun by the pool and the sah-sah. It was just the most relaxing, enjoyable evening. I want another like that. My laughter dies and I gaze up at him thoughtfully.
I want to touch him.
Is that wrong, I wonder. If we touch each other and don't fulfill resonance? I know it won't solve anything. I know that the whole “taking the edge off” thing is becoming less effective by the day. Pretty soon all it's going to do is ramp me up for more. But I'm not thinking about any of that right now. I just want to touch Sessah. Not because we're resonating, or because I feel like I have to in order to satisfy my khui.
It's because I want to.
I lick my lips and gaze up at him. "Can I ask you something?"
"You may ask anything, and the answer is always yes." The look Sessah gives me is all intensity and earnestness combined. I have no idea why that's so damned attractive, but it is. "Whatever you want, if it is in my power, I will do it for you."
"Can I touch you?" I ask shyly. "I don't—I'm not—I can't go past that yet, but I'd really like to touch you. Just to explore you and make you feel good. Or am I asking too much?"
Sessah is so still next to me that I worry I've pushed too far.
"Sessah?"
"Anything," he breathes, his eyes hooded with arousal. "I said anything, did I not?"
"But I want you to want it, too."
He groans. "Sam, you know I want it."
"Do you want it outside of resonance?" I'm splitting hairs—I know I am—but I have to ask. It's important to me that I'm not just a biological urge.
I'm rewarded with a jerky nod.
I slide my hand lower on his stomach, heading for his loincloth. I've noticed that he's slept in it every night, and I'm sure it's not because he loves wearing it. I know he's doing it for my benefit. The only time he gets truly naked is when we swim together. The rest of the time he does his best to stay covered and watches me, as if ensuring that he's not doing something that will upset me. That's one of the things I like best about Sessah—he cares so much. He wants me to be comfortable and happy, even if it's difficult for him. It's that realization that makes me want to touch him. Not just because of resonance, but because he makes me feel like it's safe to explore, safe to test out how I feel about him without worrying it will get turned around on me.
"Can I take this off of you?"
"You do not have to ask. Explore me as you like. My body is yours."
The look in his eyes is so intense that it makes my breath catch. I tug on the tie at the side of his hip, and his tail twitches in response. I delicately pull the knot apart, and his loincloth falls aside. I'm not surprised by the sight of him—I've seen lots of hard, naked Sessah in the last few days. But knowing that he's available for me to touch now changes things a bit. I hover my fingers over his cock, deciding the best way to go about it. I kind of want to grab all of him at once, but that'll make me seem like a greedy child. Carefully, I brush my fingers over the head of him, and I'm rewarded with his big body shuddering against me.
Sessah's cock feels like pure heat. I'm not surprised, given that the sa-khui run hotter than humans, but caressing it is a new experience entirely. He's heavy and solid in my hand, and even though I only dance my fingertips over his skin, I can feel just how freaking hefty he is. Wetness beads atop the head of his cock, and I resist the urge to touch it just yet. This is about exploration first, so I let my skimming touch move down the side of his shaft, along the ridges that I've found so damned fascinating.