Tears bubble out of me, uncontrolled, and I shake. “Please?”
He scoops me close and rolls me on top of him. He’s all heat and muscle and murmurs that he’s here, he’s got me.
It feels like my body is trying to write across his skin all the stuff I’ve been holding in. Every jerky movement another word, another sentence. It feels so good to get it out.
Ethan’s crying too. His sobs puff against my cheek, my neck. He tightens his hold around me, spreads his legs, and lets me rub myself all over him.
I don’t want to stop.
I want this forever, just him and me and this moment where we’re finally touching.
My dick slips through the fly of his slippery boxers and the throbbing heat of him against me has my fingers clinging to his biceps, my toes scrabbling against the sheet under us.
His breath hitches too and he arches against me, more friction. It feels so good in his arms, so warm, so comforting, so safe, so us.
Why can’t we always have this?
Why do we have to care what the rest of the world thinks?
I slam watery eyes shut and my jaw clenches. My body scribbles furiously against him. I’m moaning, grunting; I’m whispering in his ear that I wish I could fuck him.
Ethan has a choking hold around me as we hump together. He wraps his legs around my waist, his heel banging on my bum like a tease, and he sobs again as he comes and comes and comes.
I slip and slide through his release, begging him to let me stay here forever, and come at his responding squeeze, the fingers knotting in my hair.
I collapse against him.
He doesn’t let go.
Would you not like to try all sorts of lives—one is so very small—but that is the satisfaction of writing—one can impersonate so many people.
K. Mansfield, Letter
We have to talk about it, of course.
Morning makes it all too clear. But first, we unstick ourselves and take turns showering, getting dressed. I drink copious cups of water to rid myself of a pounding headache. I will never drink again.
Ethan doesn’t race out for his swim; I find him in his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his perfectly made bed, head bowed, phone to his ear. His window is open and breezes waft in, summery and warm, yet I shiver.
He won’t look up.
I sit next to him and he closes his eyes. “Yeah, sure,” he says into the phone. “He’s right here, I’ll pass him on to you.”
Who is it? I mouth.
Julia, he mouths back.
My chest lurches and I take the call with shaking fingers. “Hello!” I try to be as cheerful as her little voice is.
“I miss you!” she says. “I love you with all my heart.” She hums and Mum’s voice in the background asks if she’s finished. She continues singing. “I want my brothers here. Love hims forever.”
The call goes dead. She must have ended it.
“I guess . . . that’s everything in a nutshell?” I know it is, but I’m still crazy hopeful Ethan will contradict me.
“We should probably . . . you know. Like the last time. When we found out Maata was pregnant.”
“Distract ourselves with others?”
“Try to move on.”
Everything aches. Even though I get it. Even though I agree. I think.
My voice comes out strangled. “Does this mean you won’t take this summer course with me?”
“What? Of course I will. God, Finley. I can’t have you that way, but I’ll be damned if I don’t have you every other way.” He looks up into my eyes solemnly. His hand brushes up against mine in the gap between us. “You have to know how much I—”
“Yoohoo!” Cress knocks on the door and comes in, poufy skirt swishing. She sees me there and is momentarily startled. “You two are the sweetest, always hanging out together! I wish Ford spent a little less time chasing tail and a little more time with me.”
When we don’t say anything, she frowns and leans against the doorframe. “I was hoping for a favour?” she says. “Busses into town don’t seem to follow any regular schedule here. Could you drive us to a rental place so Ford and I can get some independence?”
“I can drive you,” I offer. I want Ethan to see me being big about this. It’s tough for both of us; I want to make it as easy on him as possible.
Cress smiles, but there’s a small twitch of disappointment under one eye. Guess she’d hoped Ethan would offer first.
Ethan clears his throat. “You don’t have to rent a car. You and Ford can use mine while you’re here.”
“Really?” Cress beams. “That’d be amazing. But what about you?”
My gaze catches Ethan’s, and he looks so sad. He smiles at Cress, but it’s shaky. “Maybe I’ll tag along?”
There are two days left before the start of the summer semester, and Ethan spends most of it in the back of his car while Cress and Ford adventure-hop around the local area.