“You can always assume I’m right,” he said, and for a spark’s worth of a second, he was his old self.
“I wouldn’t go that far, but in a pinch, I’d trust your eyesight. ”
He laughed, more because he was tired than because I was funny. “Hey, I’ll take it. Whatever I can get. ”
“Stick around, and I’ll see if I can’t make you a better offer later on,” I said, and even as the words came out, I wasn’t sure if I meant them, or how I meant them. I was getting slap-happy from exhaustion, or that’s what I told myself.
“Holy shit, woman. Are you flirting with me?”
“I have no idea. Get me out of this box, you bastard. Let’s go see if Caroline feels like shedding any light on the situation. ”
He hopped to his feet with a new kind of energy, and I followed suit. With a twist he removed the key and the doors slipped apart, letting us back into the hall and into the press of people trying to rest, or sleep, or just stay dry.
When we reached the door, Nick pulled out the plastic card that would let us in. He pointed at me with it and said, “This time, I’m coming with you. ”
“Yeah, sure. All right. ” I didn’t have the energy or motivation to argue. I had hit a wall of the fuck-its and I honestly didn’t care what he learned or what he saw. “Come on in, but prepare to duck and run. She’s got one hell of a throwing arm. ” I tilted my head to indicate the room, which was still a wreck from my last visit.
The lights were off. Nick knocked the nearest switch with the back of his hand and stood aside to let me in, and to let the door shut behind us with a soft click. I walked past him and found the next light, the one for the big lamps at the corners. Then I went to the bedside lamps and flipped those switches too. Bring it all in, all the light. Every stray ray or beam.
Let her see us.
“Hey Caroline,” I called, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Hey Caroline Read. We know who you are and we want to talk. Show yourself, you crazy old broad. We want to know what’s going on, and we think you can tell us. ”
Nothing. Nick froze, deer-in-the-headlights.
“Come out and talk. You remember me—you beat me up and threw me out a few days ago. Work with me, and I’ll see if I can’t help you. ”
And there she was, in the mirror. I hadn’t realized I was facing it until I caught the movement above my head, from the corner of my eye. There she was, holding still and steady, eyes narrow and hair wild.
I don’t need your help.
Nick didn’t see her, but he saw me looking at her, so it must have looked like I was talking to myself in the mirror. She appeared over my right shoulder. Kneeling on the bed behind me. I didn’t feel it, though. I didn’t detect any pressure on the mattress, or see any crinkling of the covers to indicate a body’s pressure on it.
“Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. But everyone else thought you needed help, didn’t they? That’s why they sent you away. You wanted help, or you needed help, but you didn’t know how to ask for it. ”
You don’t know what you’re talking about. She didn’t move or lash out, and she was speaking in full sentences—which was an improvement over our last meeting.
“Then explain it to me. ”
No one to tell. No one to hear.
“You’re not making any sense. ”
They did it to make me quiet. I couldn’t tell on them, even when I tried. No one believed. No one listened. And I’m the crazy one? I’m the crazy one? I’m . . . where’s my other glove?
She looked confused for a moment. It’s a riddle, she told me. Have you heard it?
“What are you talking about?”
They have not flesh nor feathers, nor scales nor bone, but they have fingers and thumbs of their own.
“I don’t get it. ”
My gloves. I lost one, and now you can see the cut I made.
“Caroline, did you kill yourself?” I tried to get a better look at her naked wrist, but she wasn’t solid enough to see much there.
I know what they said. I know what they told people, and I know why. Because if I’m mad, if I’m mad like a hatter in a storybook, then nothing I say matters. None of the truth means anything because it came from me. So if I’m mad, then no one has to listen.