Surrender

“Ok.”

He spun me toward him. “It’s not going to come to that, but I feel better knowing that all this work I’m doing isn’t going to be for nothing. I trust you with it. You’re the only person I’d ever trust with it.”

“It’s in good hands.” I smiled. “I promise.”

He winked. “That’s what I’m counting on.”

Aubrey sprawled out on my bed. Her long legs canvassed half the mattress. “Aren’t you bored? I’m bored.”

I walked out of my closet, holding several gowns. I had narrowed my dress choices for the charity gala to three.

“You don’t have to do this. I can pick out the final dress.”

She groaned. “No, that’s not what I mean. I’ll help you pick out the dress. I want to help you get ready for Saturday night. I meant being here. Paris. I think I’m homesick.”

“Oh.” I hung the dresses on a hook on the closet door and joined her on the bed. “I’m sorry.”

“I know what triggered it. What triggers it every time.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“My sister. I called her this morning. I was already feeling a little sad.”

I crossed my bare feet under me. “Did you two argue or something? What happened?”

“You’re going to think I’m the worst sister when I tell you.”

I thought I had the worst sister market cornered. There was nothing she could tell me that would top what I had done to my family. I hadn’t contacted Garrett since our one and only conversation before Christmas.

“Of course I won’t.”

She sighed. “Well, that’s because you haven’t heard it yet.” She paused. “She’s pregnant. Again. This is her fourth. Four? Can you believe that? Instead of saying, ‘Congratulations, I’m so happy for you,’ I said, ‘Why? Why are you having another baby?’ Who says that? What is wrong with me?”

“It’s understandable. It doesn’t mean you aren’t happy for her. You were surprised. You’re allowed to have a gut reaction.”

“Am I?” Aubrey sat forward. “I know what it is. It takes about two seconds of introspection to identify it. I’m jealous. I’m jealous she’s going through pregnancy again. And I’m not there. She’s going to have this huge life experience and I’m here. I feel disconnected and jealous. It’s like those two things are at odds.”

“Family relationships are always complicated. I think things are always at odds. At least that’s how I see things with my brother.”

“You have a brother? I didn’t know that.”

I nodded. “I do. He’s younger by three minutes.”

“A twin brother? Wow.”

I smiled. “He’s always dealt with a lot of problems. I’ve dealt with his problems.” There was something pure about giving Aubrey the truth, letting her in on details about my twin. “I thought being in Paris would be a relief, you know? I’d get away from the stress. But instead I feel guilt.” I looked at her.

“I’m sorry, Kate.”

“Me too.” I smiled. “But he is not the issue today. For once,” I joked. “Are you going to call your sister back?”

“Not today, but I will. I need to be able to tell her I’m happy for her. I have to get out of this head space where I’m still thinking about whether Paul and I made the right decision not to adopt.”

“Do you know for sure that’s not going to happen?”

“Paul is dedicated to his research. I don’t see him changing his mind. That means I have to figure out what I’m doing here. I’ve never been dependent on him, and that kind of shift in our marriage isn’t going to work. Neither of us is wired for that.” She exhaled. “Enough of that shit. Let’s see those dresses.”

“Are you sure?” I hesitated. She had peeled back emotional layers that would be hard for any to ignore. “We don’t have to look at my dresses this afternoon.”