I took a deep breath and sat in her spot on the bed.
“Honestly, no. I wouldn’t have been able to.”
“You know I had to find out from Mrs. Jennings that you left. You never even told me that you were interested in the military. Then I go and find out you joined the SEALs? You threw us away like what we had was nothing. I don’t owe you anything.”
I waited for her to get it all out of her system. I knew I deserved it too.
“I didn’t tell you because I was too afraid I wouldn’t go if I did. You meant everything to me, Jules.”
“So totally disappearing without a trace to go to fight in a war seems like a logical way to show how you feel.”
“I needed to get out of here,” I said waving my arms around the room, but meaning the whole town. “I wanted to experience some life.”
“Why couldn’t we experience it together? I would have gone with you,” she finally said more hurt than anything else now.
“Where I went,” I said struggling to find the words. “I wouldn’t wish that on you.”
I did my best to hid the demons I held inside me, but I could tell she still saw them.
“Your dad would tell me stuff,” she said softly. “Just from time to time. He told me when you got in with the SEALs, when you to deployed to Syria, and that you got hurt," she finally ended softly.
I did my best to push down the memories her words were brewing. It was the same memories that caused most of my nightmares.
I shook my head as if that would force it back down. I got up and began pacing the room again. I didn’t like all the emotions this conversation brought back. I was acutely aware of the ringing in my ear and the sound of all the cars on the street below.
“She is mine, isn’t she,” I finally said in a statement, not a question.
“It doesn’t matter,” Julie said softly. “She is mine now. I knew the moment I found out that I would raise her on my own. Nothing that has happened today has changed that fact.”
“What if I do want to change that?” I asked walking up to her.
I couldn’t help but touch her. She was ambrosia for me. One small taste, and now all I wanted was more.
“No,” Julie whispered tears in her eyes. “I won't let you just walk back in here like nothing has changed. There is too much at stake now. I won’t put her through that.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Jules,” I said as I softly brushed a stray lock of auburn hair from her face.
I could look on her face for a million years, and it wouldn’t be enough. I couldn’t help but let my eyes linger on her lips.
“I can’t trust you anymore,” she said putting her hands on my chest and softly pushing me away.
It had almost no effort to it, but I wouldn’t crowd her. It didn’t miss my notice, however, that her hands lingered just a little longer than necessary.
“I won’t risk you hurting Emma,” she stated honestly crossing her arms again.
“I’m not asking you to trust me, I know that is too much. But, now that I know I have a daughter, I feel responsible for her. I want to help.”
“I don’t need your help,” Julie said jutting out her chin. “I’ve been on my own the last six years and have done just fine.”
“I didn’t say you need my help. I know you can handle things on your own. That doesn’t mean y
ou should.”
“Hawk, I can't do this right now,” she said moving towards the door. “Em is going to wake up soon, and I need to start dinner. I think you should go.”
I understood this was a lot for her. Hell, it was all a lot for me too. I didn’t want to push my luck and have her cut me off for good. I would have to work slow if I wanted to get Julie’s trust back.
Maybe a part of me had hoped she would still be here waiting for me when I got back. Now that she was here, and with my daughter on top of that, it was my priority to get them both back in my life.