I spent the next hour on Emma’s bedroom floor playing dolls and having princess berets styled in my hair.
I could hear Julie around the apartment cleaning this or that poking her head in from time to time. I ached to get to know every inch of this little girl in front of me. I couldn’t believe I had gone the last six years without knowing she existed.
Final
ly, I could tell she was getting pretty tuckered out. The fever still kept her skin pretty warm, even with the reducers, and it was a lot for such a little thing. Without so much as a word, she grabbed a little pink bear lovey and, with thumb in mouth, crawled into bed.
“Are you getting tired?” I asked.
She nodded her head.
I grabbed the cup of Gatorade that Julie left in the room.
“How about you finish drinking this, and then I can pick a book to read to you?”
She nodded again and took the cup from me. I scanned her little shelves of books before coming on one I liked. I sat down next to her on the bed and took the now empty cup from her.
In my head, I was doing my calculations. Probably wasn’t more than four ounces in there. Not nearly enough for half of a day. At least it was better than nothing.
I leaned against her headboard as I read Emma the story of Corduroy Bear. She happily rested against my chest to look at the pictures. I couldn’t help but wish to have this moment not just now but for forever.
Soon I felt the heavy weight that told me she had fallen asleep. I set the book aside but wasn’t ready to move. I softly stroked the length of her black hair. Softly I ran one finger down her cheek. It was still that soft, cherubic chub of a young child.
She stirred a little, so I pulled my hand away. I moved to get up and realized that Julie was standing in the doorframe.
She was staring at me with an unreadable expression. Maybe I had crossed a line for her.
“Sorry, she just fell asleep,” I said trying to move as stealthily as possible as I got out of her bed.
“No, its fine,” she said turning away.
I could swear she wiped away a tear in the process before walking down the hall and to the living room.
I followed after her and found her folding laundry on the couch.
“It never ends,” she said without looking at me. I could tell her voice was a little husky from emotion.
“I guess I should go,” I said rubbing the back of my neck.
“Yeah, sure,” she said looking my way for just a split second. I could tell by the red rim of her eyes she had been crying.
“Jules, what is it?” I urged as I instinctually pulled her into my arms.
She didn’t fight me. Instead, she crumbled against my chest. I held her and soothed as best as I could as she cried against me.
I was waiting for her to yell at me. Tell me these tears were my fault. That I had left her, hurt her, and cause her so much more difficulty then she should have had to face over the last six years. I deserved it. That and so much more.
“What if you died,” she finally whispered against my chest. “What if you never came home and Em never got to meet you.”
I was shocked. She was upset because I got hurt? The only thing worse then her hating my guts was the fact that after all I did to her, she still cared for me.
I walked her over to the couch and pulled her onto my lap as we sat.
“I’m fine. It wasn’t that bad, Jules. I’m the last person you need to cry over.”
“Not that bad. If it wasn’t that bad, then you wouldn’t have come home. Hawk what if you died,” she pleaded again.
“I’m here now. That’s all that matters. I won't leave again. Not you, not Em. I swear. I’m here for both of you.”