Liv wasn’t the most outgoing. She wasn’t the loudest or the funniest. But she was the one we all turned to when things were difficult. She was the best listener, had the biggest smile, the most incredible laugh, and she was damn good at climbing trees. There was never any hint at her inner struggles—she never mentioned it, not a single time.
Which made what happened so much worse.
I knew it would never be like it was. I’d never be close to Penny or Erin that way again. Liv kept everyone together, the heart of our family, the glue that bound our relationships up tight, and without her, things slowly frayed and fell apart.
Now I was obsessed with their safety, maybe to the point of doing more harm than good.
I was self-aware enough to realize that.
And yet I couldn’t stop.
Winter waited for me up at a fork in the path. I took the left turn and trudged along to a small clearing around a massive, ancient oak with branches and leaves spread out in all directions. I sat down on a root and Winter shuffled up next to me, but left some space between our legs.
I looked at the grass then at my wife. She avoided my gaze.
“I used to come here with Liv.”
She hesitated then glanced over. “You don’t talk about her much.”
“Nobody does. It’s a sore subject.”
“I’m sorry. Were you two close?”
“Extremely. She was close with everyone.” I smiled and glanced up. “She used to climb to the top of this tree and throw acorns down at us. Penny would scream and cry, and Erin would try to climb up and catch her, but I was the smart one. I caught the acorns and threw them back.”
Winter smiled and I laughed at the memory.
“I bet it was fun growing up around here.”
“Sometimes it was. Mostly it was lonely. We were a bunch of little kids living in this huge house, exploring every inch, stomping through the woods, but really just living alone in a big, beautiful cage.”
“At least you had each other.”
“That’s true.” I looked down at my hands. “Liv killed herself when she was eighteen years old. I was twenty-two, graduated from college the year before.”
“Oh, shit, Darren. I didn’t realize that she—” Winter stopped herself. “God, I’m so sorry. That must’ve been really hard.”
“It nearly broke the family apart. Erin was always a little weird, but she pulled away from the world after that. Penny was there when it happened and developed a bunch of nervous habits that she’s really only just starting to outgrow.”
“Penny was there?” Winter’s eyes went wide. “That’s horrible.”
“Liv was staying in our Manhattan apartment at the time. It was in an old building near Central Park. I think all the Oligarchs own real estate in that area.” I smiled a bit ruefully. “Penny went to visit her. Pen was only fifteen when it happened.”
“You don’t have to give me any details if you don’t want.”
I waved that away. “It helps to talk about it. I haven’t told anyone in a long time.”
“I’m here to listen.” She moved closer, put a hand on my leg.
“Penny told me the story the day after it happened. She was so pale and shaking. I tried to imagine, but—” I shook my head. “Liv seemed like she was happy. She was heading to Blackhills College soon. She had her life ahead of her. And then one afternoon, she left a note for Penny then climbed to the roof of that building.
“I guess Liv misjudged when Penny would get home, because Pen found the note, read it, then ran upstairs. You know what’s messed up? I don’t remember what that note said anymore. I know it said Liv loved us all and that she was sorry, and that she couldn’t hide how she felt anymore, but the details are all gone.”
I laughed and shook my head. The pain of that day was like a lightning strike. Everything was still so clear and bright, colored in DayGlo paint, too bright and saturated, but all the details were wrong, like a camera out of focus.
“Penny got upstairs,” I continued, “and ran through the emergency doors to the roof. She found Liv standing on the edge, staring out at the park. I don’t know what they talked about. Pen never gave me details. She only said that Liv couldn’t handle our family anymore, that the weight of what we did crushed her every day, and that she couldn’t continue living a lie anymore. Since Liv wouldn’t hurt the rest of us, she decided she couldn’t keep on going.”
I stopped for a second. Winter took my hand and squeezed it. This was the hard part.
“Pen tried to stop her. Liv took a step forward and Pen reached out, tried to grab her wrist. She almost caught her too, but Liv slipped away and plunged down sixty stories to the street below.”