“You’ll see. So, was he good with his hands? Was he gentle, or did he make sure you knew he was the man in the scenario?”
Bursting out laughing, I only just caught my hand before it rubbed my side. I had to keep reminding myself this wasn’t the same as the pain from before, which had always felt better when I’d confused the nerves by rubbing them. This one couldn’t be touched.
“He was both.”
When I didn’t elaborate, she asked slowly, “What aren’t you telling me, Blake? I can hear it in your voice.”
“That I love you?”
“No.”
“How great your hair looks?” That wasn’t a lie. She was one of those women who changed the style and color of her hair often, and the burgundy color she’d gone with recently looked incredible on her.
“I know, but that’s not it, either.”
Knowing she wasn’t going to give up, I sighed. “Okay, I told him the truth about what happened with Hazel.”
She was silent for so long that I lifted to look over the back of the couch at the window, fully expecting to see her standing there and demanding to be let in.
“Maddie?”
“I- Holy shit, I don’t know what to say. Wait, what did he say?”
“He was pissed and upset, and he said that if he’d known, he wouldn’t have let her friends cover up for her with the lie.”
“It was a shitty lie,” she scoffed. “The only reason she wasn’t charged was because Mommy was blowing Mortimer.”
This wasn’t exactly a lie.
“Anyway, he asked me if he could come and see my work. Apparently he still draws a lot, and he liked the sketch I did for the tattoo and wanted to see more of it.”
There was a squeal, and I could picture her dancing around the break room at work. “You’re such a lucky whore, but I still love you. What did you say?”
I wasn’t sure if I’d made the right choice with my response, so having her input would help. “I told him the truth—that he could see it all on my website because I didn’t really have people in my house. Well, apart from you.”
“Wow, you did open up to him,” she said, shocked. “Do you think you could work up to that, though?”
Thinking about it, I went through all of my coping techniques and applied them to the situation. “I don’t thi— Actually,” I caught myself, remembering the purpose of the tattoo. “Know what? Yeah, I think I could. If I go through the preparation I do for going out, what’s to say it won’t work on letting someone in? I need to open up more and break free, Maddie. That’s why I got the tattoo, so I have to start trying to live a bit more.”
Even saying the words made my stomach feel like the birds on my side were inside it, trying to take off. But I wanted to let go of the past so badly. Eleven years was a long time to live a limited life, and I needed my freedom from that prison, even if it was a mental one.
“Whatever you need to do, girl. And you know I’ll help with anything I can.”
“I know, honey. You’ve already done it a million times over.”
Her response was a whispered, “Sienna,” that was weighted by the emotions she was feeling.
So, to give her something else that would hopefully make her smile, I whispered back, “I gave him my number.”
Her response this time was the opposite of the whisper as she screeched, “What?” then started squealing.
“Maddie, you’re going to scare the shit out of the patients waiting for you. Settle down.”
“You settle down,” she snapped, all the squealing ceasing.
“I don’t need to,” I pointed out, but she continued talking.
“My best friend, my bloom from another womb, gave a hot guy her number after said hot guy spent the day with his hands on her. I’m excited for you, so I’ll damn well scream.”
“Nothing will come of it, Maddie. Not like that anyway. But it’ll be nice to have another friend here.”
Before I’d told her about my decision to move back here and into my parents’ house, I’d had therapy to prepare myself for it. It was the last I’d had with the therapist who’d brought me back into the land of the living, but it hadn’t been easy to get control over the anxiety and emotions that’d bombarded me at the prospect of being here. It was a lot of hard work, but determination had made it possible in the end.
I knew I wouldn’t be alone because I had Maddie and her family waiting for me. Hazel had moved away, and her mom lived almost an hour away from here now, so I didn’t have to worry about that either.
I’d finally hit the stage of my recovery where I wanted independence and to live like a normal human, and I was determined I was going to do it.