“We both could have. And I want you to know that I’m going to tell Sam we can’t work with them. It’s not worth the pain it causes.”
“Don’t do that. Not because of the way I reacted. I don’t want you to give up the opportunity because I can’t get a handle on my jealousy. I don’t want to see you lose out on account of that. My jealousy is the reason you got hurt in the first place.”
“That kid in the white truck is the reason I got hurt. I had other options, and I made a choice that morning.”
“Because of me.”
“I’ve forgiven you for that. I think you need to do the same so you can move forward.”
“You’re right. I know that. And I didn’t call for your forgiveness, although it means a lot.” He clears his throat again. “I’m working on becoming boyfriend-worthy. I don’t know how long it’s going to take, or if you’d even consider trying again with me by the time I get there, but I want you to know I’m under construction, and I’m hoping in the meantime I can also work on mending our friendship.”
“The guys told me you’re seeing a therapist.”
“Yeah, Jerome sort of convinced me I needed to talk to someone.”
“Funny, I remember someone else mentioning that.”
“I wasn’t ready to hear it then, but you moved out and well … I didn’t take it all that well.”
“I’m glad Jerome has excellent persuasive tactics.”
“Especially when he has you in a headlock and is threatening to kick your ass.”
I smile, because Jerome is tall and lanky and not the kind of guy to resort to bullying, except maybe for Declan’s benefit. “He left out that part.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, well, I would’ve deserved the ass-kicking, so I’m lucky he didn’t follow through, and he was right. I want to let you know that I called Sam.”
“Oh? And how did that go?” Sam never mentioned it to me, although we’ve only spoken once, and that was when I asked him for some time to figure things out.
“We had some words. He admitted he was a stupid asshole back when we were in college and deserved the black eye I gave him, and that he never should have asked me to choose between you and him in the first place. Then he told me I should get my head out of my ass and that he never would have reached out to you at all if he knew it was going to screw things up for us. He said you were on the fence about the camping partnership, but I told him he couldn’t back out, just to give me a little time. This was my issue and I’d done enough screwing things up when it came to you, and I didn’t want to screw anything else up.” He exhales a long breath.
“I had no idea.” I’m a little stunned. Or maybe a whole lot stunned.
“We agreed that it would be me who told you, and only when I was ready.”
“Does that mean you two are talking again?” I don’t know how to feel about that. On one hand, I know how hard that loss was. But I’m not sure I can handle Sam on more than a business associate basis.
“We’re civil, and I think that’s good. I was angry for a long time, and I needed to let that go. Anyway, my therapist suggested I reach out, and the crossword puzzle was my lame but apparently effective attempt.”
“Not a lame attempt at all. I’m glad you did, reach out, I mean, and I would really love it if we could work on mending our friendship.” It’s been grief on more than one level. I lost my boyfriend, my best friend, and my home all at once, and all the familiarity that came with it.
“Okay. Good. That’s good. I’m glad to hear that. My therapist said it would be a bad idea for me to see you, not because he thinks you’re bad for me, but because I’m most likely to defer to sex, which sort of defeats the purpose of fixing the friendship I broke in the first place. Not that you’d want to have sex with me at this point, but you know, fuck, I should probably shut up.”
“I get what you mean, or what your therapist means, anyway, and I agree that it’s probably best if we avoid the opportunity for such activities since they tend to complicate things. And getting upset and jealous doesn’t mean you broke us, Declan.”
“I’ve never been jealous before, or really understood what it felt like to have something so important to me threatened by someone else. It brought back a lot of bad memories. I didn’t know how to deal with that, and my response was to accuse and cut and run, which I realize has a lot to do with how things went down in my house as a kid. It’s not an excuse for how I behaved, but I wanted you to know that it wasn’t about you.”